...Then I find myself choking on all my contradictions...

We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.- Orson Welles As mentioned in my previous post, I had more I wanted to write. Now is as good a time as any. Feeling pretty emotional this week, which isn't really any different than any other week but I feel compelled to express those feelings this time. I hate being ignored. Sure, everyone does. However, this happens to me ALL. THE. TIME. I don't ask for constant attention because I don't need it. But sometimes a little attention is called for. It seems when I talk, people just don't listen. And I'm not the only one who notices. I'll start to say something and someone will just talk over me or not acknowledge I said anything. My mother is hugely guilty of this. "I heard what you said. I'm not ignoring you." Well then, ACKNOWLEDGE me. Don't just blow me off. It hurts my feelings. If you don't give a shit, then just say so. Yeah, I'll get mad but at least the pretense isn't there. And it isn't just Mom who does this. It's my friends, other family members, people I work with and even my boyfriend. Sorry, sweetie, but sometimes it's the truth. That's why I blog. I let out my frustration here and there's no hurt feelings of being ignored. It's open to anyone and everyone and whoever feels compelled to read will know what's going on in The Wonderful World of Me. I'm not talking directly to one person, so I won't be upset if no one sees this. To have one's individuality completely ignored is like being pushed quite out of life--like being blown out as one blows out a light.- Evelyn Scott Mom is angry with me because I have a performance of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof on her birthday. This is because she claims she asked me to be her Designated Driver that night. Yes, she mentioned it. However, you expect me to just not do the show because you need someone to drive you home? Is it that difficult to ask someone else to not drink so they can drive? It pisses me off because she would rather have me quit the show and spend that evening waiting to drive, bored out of my mind, while the rest of them drink themselves stupid. Then she made the comment that I could miss a performance because "other people do it", referring to the fact that one of our actors has a wedding to attend and is being understudied that day. Yes, it's easy to do that when you have other male actors and your director is male and can very easily fulfill one of the male roles. There isn't another female to understudy me for that night. She's also mad because my cousin's wedding is the 18th and I "have to go". That was her response when I told her I had a good chance of being cast...that I couldn't miss the wedding. Are you effing kidding me? "Sorry, Frank, but I can't do your show because I have to attend a wedding that no one actually cares if I go to or not." Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe I should just resign from the show and succumb to my family's priorities. Apparently, I only ever think about myself anyway. I'm sorry that I agree to do shows that want to hire me to stage manage or do makeup. I'm sorry I want to continue making money and networking to get my name out there. I'm sorry I'm just so damn good at both that people want to continue to request me for my services. No, I'm not getting paid for 'Cat'. I actually get to just be an actor and enjoy nothing but the opportunity to do so. So yes, I'm doing this for me. I have always been aware that you have to get people listening before you can change their minds. Any artist's big fear is being ignored, so if you get debate, that's great. -Damien Hirst My grandparents came to visit on Friday. We found out the beginning of last week (March 31st to be exact) from a post my grandma made on facebook: Happy Easter to all facebook friends & Family . We will be leaving for California April 2. We want to see our great grand babies. Love Lois & Calvin. Way to give a heads up, Guys. We had no idea they were coming. They'd be here by Thursday, Friday at the latest. Unfortunately, I had already agreed to reprise the makeup for that dance I did the week before and I had to meet Heather at noon Saturday to be ready for a 2pm performance in Yucaipa. Again, Mom was annoyed when I told her I didn't know when I'd be home. "Well, your grandparents might want to do something". It was a freaking job! I was getting paid! What part of that is hard to grasp? Had I known my grandparents were coming down, I wouldn't have agreed to it. But I couldn't just flake out, which makes her even madder because "other people do it all the time". She and my sister think that if it wasn't something for my friends, I'd just flake out. That's definitely not good for business and not good for my character. Anyway, I arrived home around 4:30pm and we had a BBQ and I just got to visit some more. They had come over Friday afternoon and stayed till sunset, so I got to spend pretty much all day with them. It was wonderful because I hadn't seen them in 2 years since they live in Arkansas. When they went to leave Saturday, Grandma told me if I wanted to come visit they'd send me money to go out there. I told her I couldn't take anymore money from them, as they had paid the remaining $6235 so I could attend EI. She said it was nothing because I had graduated and I was actually doing makeup work. Then she told me that they sure were proud of me. Honestly, it made me cry. It's just so nice to hear. As worthless and unsuccessful as I feel, it's great to know my family is proud of me. Makes the fact that I'm not doing much of anything a lot less depressing, that's for sure. I'd love to go visit them and definitely want to take them up on their offer, but I don't know when I'll get the chance. This month I'm in rehearsals for 'Cat' and designing makeup for 12 Angry Jurors at La Sierra University, plus running a workshop to show everyone how to do their own makeup since they go up when my show does. In May, I'm in performances for 'Cat', which runs the last 3 weekends of May, and I'll have began rehearsals for Henry IV (I'm assistant directing/stage managing/makeup artist for this show. Yes, I'm that good.). June will be rehearsals for Henry IV and July are performances. Of course, I don't know my rehearsal schedule for Henry yet so perhaps I can still make a trip to Arkansas for a couple weeks in June. I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. -Maya Angelou And just like that, I'm busy. Another summer with Shakespeare in the Vines, hanging out with friends as well as making money. Plus, another show to add to the growing list of makeup on my resume. Busy, but I like it that way. -Me

Somewhere far away from here, I saw stars. Stars that I could reach...

To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.
- Anatole France

It's already April. What? Where did the last 3 months go? I haven't been busy and that's what usually makes the time fly by. I've been sitting around this house (usually in front of the computer) doing nothing, and I mean nothing.

I've been constantly looking for work, but most of the makeup jobs posted are in LA, usually more than one day and pay nothing. I can't be commuting back and forth to LA multiple days and not get paid. That may sound petty or like I'm too good to do that but I can't afford the gas. I'd love to do the work and network and add it to the growing list of credits I have under my belt but I don't have the funds. Last week, I sent my resume to a dinner theatre in Fontana. Not necessarily as a makeup artist but as tech or production assistant. I definitely have the experience and training and let's face it, working in a theatre is a dream for me. Everything about it appeals to me and I've done every aspect of theatre you can imagine. Besides, Fontana is significantly closer than LA.

Shane contacted me the week before last and asked me if I was available and willing to do body painting on Heather for a performance at La Sierra University Church for their Easter services this past Saturday. Of course I was willing and I happened to be available. I enjoy working with Shane very much and I just really like the people at LSU. To top it off, I was getting paid and really, that was just a bonus for me. It was a huge success with everyone. People actually thought she was tattooed. I've been hired to return this Saturday to reprise the makeup for another performance and Heather has passed my info along to a photographer she works with in Rancho Cucamonga because they always need a makeup artist. Aaron came with me so that he could take my car over to my dad's shop to get the motor mount fixed while I touched up Heather's makeup between services, but he proved to be a valuable assistant and he got to watch me work. Ended up being a waste for him to go because I wasn't able to get my motor mount fixed...again....but I was happy to have him there, anyway.

Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish. A little knowledge that acts is worth infinitely more than much knowledge that is idle.
- John Quincy Adams

Friday I met up with Karla to carpool to Hollywood for a seminar at EI. I hadn't seen her since we graduated in July and it was good to catch up. She told me that she recently hung out with some girls from our class and they mentioned how my work "has gotten better" since school ended. I'm not sure if that means they thought it was bad in school or just that it's continuing to improve. Karla explained that I'm the only one who is continuing to learn since graduation and it shows. From what she told me, I'm the only one from our class (that she still keeps up with) whose even doing makeup work. Well, yeah... why would I spend all that money on makeup school if I'm not going to actually work in makeup? Seems like a waste to me...though it made me feel good to know that the time and effort I put into my work pays off, both financially and artistically.

A big shot is a little shot that kept shooting.
-Anonymous

 

The seminar was with a pro makeup artist who had been in the business for 24 years. She talked about her career (both ups and downs), gave advice to getting our name out there and assured us that it's perfectly normal to feel like you aren't going anywhere after graduation. She said it took her 10 years before she hit it big. Sure, she had worked but nothing majorly significant. It made me feel much better about myself to know that I'm exactly where I should be and I'm doing all the right things. Networking, collaborating and talking to everyone I meet. There isn't anything wrong with where I'm at right now. I do still feel stuck but that's just me... I feel useless and pathetic.

To reach a port we must sail, sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it. But we must not drift or lie at anchor.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

There's more to write about but I feel like this is a good end to this post. Maybe I'll *gasp* post twice in one week...

Maybe not.
-Me

I'm hanging out with me and you're a vacant chair...

“It is not because the truth is too difficult to see that we make mistakes... we make mistakes because the easiest and most comfortable course for us is to seek insight where it accords with our emotions - especially selfish ones.”- Alexander Solzhenitsyn

As humans, we tend to be selfish beings. In many ways. It's easy to become consumed with our own lives, with our own wants and needs. I, for one, am guilty of doing it. I have quite a bit of things on my mind constantly that keep me from interacting with others as much as I could (and should). We are so often blind-sided when it comes to other humans. To our colleagues. To our family. To our friends. Therefore, we don't realize that our selfishness is effecting them. It causes hurt, jealousy and, in my case, anger. Sometimes, we enter into romantic relationships. We're so enthralled by our newfound happiness that we let that relationship consume our lives, and it nudges our other relationships out of the way. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with having that boyfriend or girlfriend. You deserve to be happy and if that person makes you happy, go for it. Just don't lose sight of the other people in your life who love and care about you and deserve your attention as well. Because at the end of the day, when it's all said and one, those relationships are the ones that will always be there. It takes no more than a couple seconds to send a message to that human being we may not realize we're effecting. A simple text "Hey, it's been awhile. How are you doing?"...a quick phone call to let that person know they're on your mind. Don't make excuses. "Oh, I'm so busy with work. I'm so busy with my life." Bull. There are 24 hours in a day. You can spare a few seconds. You can take the time to return that phone call to your friend who just so happens to have amazing news to share and wants you in on their excitement. “I believe all suffering is caused by ignorance. People inflict pain on others in the selfish pursuit of their happiness or satisfaction. Yet true happiness comes from a sense of peace and contentment, which in turn must be achieved through the cultiv” -Dalai Lama   Speaking of that amazing news, I received a phone call from Adam last Saturday morning. Though I was headed to take a shower, I answered my phone. He asked if he could read something to me and I said of course. Adam proceeded to read me an acceptance letter to The Stella Adler Studio of Acting in New York. He has been accepted into their 3 year conservatory program! He really impressed one of the faculty members with his Edgar from King Lear. This guy FOUGHT for Adam, because he believed in him that much. I was so ecstatic for him that I cried in joy as he gushed about his happy news. He deserves this and I fully can't describe how proud I am of him. So much time, effort and money have been put into auditioning for grad schools. He has put in the work and it has paid off ten-fold. Proof that persistence prevails in the end. I insisted we go out that night and celebrate, where he told me all about the program and how excited he was. I found out our friend Chip had also been accepted into the program, which is super awesome. I was just happy to be there for my friend in his hour of triumph. Because that's what friends do. They make time for each other.   In the talk of selfishness, I'm going to be self-indulgent for a moment. Earlier this week, I auditioned for Cat on a Hot Tin Roof with Ramona Hillside Players. I've wanted to play Maggie ever since I read play. I guess you could say it's a dream role. Well, I auditioned and the audition went very well. I was informed last night that I won the role of Mae, another very good role. No where near the size of Maggie, but good nonetheless. I am very pleased for several reasons. The cast is terrific, we have an awesome director and Aaron is playing Gooper, Mae's husband. I get to do another show with him, this time as an actress. But above all, I'm performing again. It's been far too long since I was on stage and I couldn't be happier. Don't have to worry about anything but my lines and my character.   A man is called selfish not for pursuing his own good, but for neglecting his neighbor's. -Richard Whately Just something I wanted to get off my chest. Better than blowing up at somebody. -Me

My normal hesitation is gone and I really gravitate to your will...

I had typed up this nice post a couple weeks ago and right at the end of it I managed to delete it and by the time I figured out how to "undo" it I had messed it up to the point that I couldn't get back my entire entry. So that was 2 hours wasted and I just said screw it. I'm super special.

It has been 2 months since my last post. Ha, that sounds like I'm at a confessional. "It's been 8 weeks since my last confession. Forgive me, for I have sinned. You see, I laid with a man who is not my husband...and a beagle...and some mice." Joking, of course. Bestiality is not a laughing matter...

Mary Stuart has finally come to a close. As much as I will miss my friends, all I can say is 'Thank God it's over'. I was tired of the drama, done with dealing with the "Divas" and just fed up with the un-organization of the whole process. I'm one damn good stage manager and I love what I do, but even I can only take so much. It had been my life since November and I literally hated it. HATED it. Sure, now that it's over I have nothing significant to do with my life, but I have time to actually do other things now. It turned out to be a terrific show and everyone was great (as well it should be, they had been rehearsing practically every night for 3 months).

Aaron and I started dating. It really kinda just happened. I mean, I liked someone else and he was dating someone... We just clicked. It started as just talking on the way to and from rehearsal and at rehearsal. Then one day I sent him a text asking if he got the email I sent out and it escalated from there. It simply was that I liked talking to him. I thought he was nice and we had a very similar sense of humor. And of course I thought he was attractive. I had thought so when I saw him in The Odd Couple at MSJC and when he was ushering The Comedy of Errors, where I shamelessly flirted. I didn't think I'd see him again. Anyway, I think after about a week of constant texting is when he told me if he were single he'd ask me out, much to my complete surprise. I had no idea he was interested...but then again I'm basically oblivious when guys are attracted to me. Even our conversations that went well into the night didn't clue me in. I was just happy to have a friend I had so much in common with.

Long story short, within the span of 3 weeks we were dating. As much as I wish it had happened differently, I'm very pleased with how things turned out. He lives about 15 minutes away (give or take a few), which is awesome because neither of us has to travel far when hanging out and he actually likes to hang out with me. Let's face it, I'm boring so whenever anyone wants to hang out with me I'm flattered. My family likes him...well specifically, my Mom likes him. I don't know anyone else's opinion yet but he's already been to one family get-together and he thinks they're a lot of fun so that's already a point in his favor. That and he socializes with them. Very big with my family. Thursday, I'm going to MSJC to make him into a black guy for his Acting for Film class. He's doing a monologue from Tropic Thunder and it just wouldn't be complete without the makeup. Needless to say, I'm excited. Makeup is my life.


I'm very content with how things are at the present moment. Sure, I'd be happier if I were working more but I have a few feelers out there and I just have to wait till they come to fruitation. The biggest downside to the life of a makeup artist is waiting. But I'm constantly networking and getting my name out there. My only issue is all the "last minute" gigs. I received a message from a photographer in Palm Springs who asked if I was available to do makeup at 2pm the next day out there. I absolutely need more notice than that. My weekends are usually pretty busy and it's hard during the week with baby-sitting, which is starting to become an issue. It limits what gigs I can accept during the week and if she doesn't bring them (this is the case most of the time) then I lose out on work. To top it off, I've been watching her boys since December 26th and have yet to get paid. It's through the county and I haven't received any time sheets yet so that I can start getting paid. I'm questioning it because it has been over 2 months and I'm wondering if she's even actually in the program anymore. She stopped bringing Kyle like a month ago and tried telling me her worker said I'd only be getting paid $2, rather than the agreed upon minimum wage. This further proves my suspicion that she's not in the program because her worker told her if for some reason I wasn't approved or anything else, she would have to pay me out of her own pocket. I don't mind watching her kid if that's the case but she needs to pay me, and I do mean the agreed upon wage, and she needs to be consistent in when she brings him. It's supposed to be Monday-Thursday from 8:30am to 3:30pm. If I'm lucky, she brings him twice a week from 8:30am to noon. But if she isn't bringing him, she doesn't tell me. I have to text her when she doesn't show. HATE THAT. Be fucking responsible and considerate.

That's about it for now. I need to get back to my weekly posts. Why? Because I amuse myself. The only reason I do this in the first place.

-Me

When dame fortune tosses me a curve, I never give away to despair...

Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt. -William Shakespeare, Measure for Measure (Act I, Scene IV)

I realize it has been exactly 3 weeks since my last post. I guess I haven't felt much like blogging. It seems silly, but I'm really depressed about my cat dying. And the worst part of all is that dog is still here. She's supposed to be chained up but there she sits in the pen, unleashed. I mentioned something to Dad and he just shrugged it off. He doesn't give a damn if that dog gets out and goes after another one of my cats and that infuriates me. He's the one who made a huge deal about "cats being cats" and constantly bitched that I needed to let them outside. I let them out and what happens? They get killed by your dog.

I can't live here anymore. Of course, I don't have any other options but it pains me to have my kitties subjected to that dog. Flitwick climbed a tree to get away and I'm not worried about him so much, but Bones has been attacked twice by that dog. I'm afraid he'll meet the same fate as my other two. I don't want to be cruel and keep them couped up inside all day after they know what outdoors is like but with that dog off the chain I worry she will bust out of that pen again...

Everyone can master a grief but he that has it. - William Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing (Act III, Scene II)

Mary Stuart is coming along. It should be further along characterization-wise, but it's shaping up. I think we have yet to have a rehearsal where every cast member is present. I'm super stressed about this. One, dealing with some who obviously aren't putting the work into the show outside of rehearsal. Two, I'm sharing my car with Mom so she can get to and from work. Therefore, most nights (and we have rehearsal pretty much EVERY NIGHT of the week) I'm late to rehearsal. Granted, we don't start till 6pm when we have a 5:30pm call, but I should be there before everyone. Three, dealing with a director who is far too lenient on the cast. I have no problem being the bitch because that's sort of my job as stage manager, but I can't enforce anything if it isn't backed up by the director. We also have cast members who like to play director and have their "opinions" on what their character would do. I'm so completely sick and tired with that BS. Just shut the hell up and do what we tell you.

Rehearsals have become so tedious for me. I'm over watching it night after night. Zack told me when I complimented him on how awesome his scene was the other night that he knew that was a big deal because he knows I hate the show. He also thanked me for being there and said things would not get done if I wasn't stage manager. I really appreciated hearing that. I've felt like I'm not needed and basically like I was wasting my time on people who think they can run this show without me. It wasn't necessary for him to say but it was nice. Honestly, if it weren't for Zack, Michael, Donald and now Aaron being in this show, I would have snapped already. They're pretty great friends.

Show aside, I have not been in a very happy place lately. I'm still down about not getting that touring job (let's face it; I would have heard something by now) and I'm not getting much makeup work. Granted, I did do face painting for that birthday party last weekend and that was a big success, even may have gained a few other parties out of it. I had a friend from La Sierra University contact me about doing makeup for his film this Sunday and next. In fact, 2 friends from LSU have contacted me about makeup for their films. So there's a silver lining in all of this. Of course, I'm doing makeup for Mary Stuart but that was practically a given. I just feel like I should be doing more than what I am. I'm going no where fast and it's extremely disheartening. 5 years ago, I never imagined I would be stuck where I am now. I'll be 27 in a few months and I am a big fat nobody. All because I decided I was an artist and that's the direction my heart led me in.

We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.- Mark Twain

I'm trying to be happy. Trying to overcome these feelings of uselessness. Having a little trouble, that's all.

 

-Me

 

...While befriending fate's alluring way of putting us to shame.

Do you ever agree to do something, something that you normally enjoy doing, and almost immediately regret it? That's how I'm feeling right now about stage managing Mary Stuart. Of course, I love doing it and being around my friends. However, part of me just doesn't want to be there. Sitting there watching others act makes me sad. I haven't acted in such a long time. I miss it, especially when I know I can play the main role 100 times better than she can... and I feel like I'm just not needed there. Sure, I know some of the cast is happy I'm there but then there are the others who think they can manage without me. And it isn't because I don't like it; it's because I should be off doing makeup and doing what I do best. No, the couple hours a few nights a week don't interfere...I'm just unhappy.

Unhappy because I feel stuck. I haven't had any makeup work in awhile and it's depressing. Though I'm trying to remain optimistic about this touring makeup job, I'm becoming more and more discouraged each day that passes with no word. Damn it, I was POSITIVE I had this job. I'm absolutely the perfect fit for it. I built it up to where I believed I had already been hired. That's what I get for NOT being pessimistic...

Yesterday, I lost my Malfoy kitty to our pit bull. Yes, the same pit bull that killed Neville. My dad just refuses to get rid of her because "he doesn't see the problem". He doesn't care that she's killing animals. "That's the way of life" is his view. How can anyone be so heartless? Why bother having pets if you don't care that they're attacked or sick or killed? Both of my babies didn't do ANYTHING to that beast. She just went after them. I don't know what was worse; Watching Neville die and knowing there was nothing I could do to help him or coming in and finding Malfoy lying dead in the back, after an obvious scuffle in the trailer. There was blood all over the corner of my bed, the pillow top was torn apart, the corner of the mattress was shred to where I can see the springs...blood and slobber on one of Grandma's teddy bears... blood on the unused pillow, blood on my Soft Kitty Kelly got me for Christmas a year ago. Malfoy TRIED to get away and he was unsuccessful. And I had no idea any of this was happening. The damn dog got out of the pen and must have nosed in the trailer, where Malfoy was lying on my bed, Malfoy hissed and the dog went after him.

I feel terrible. I couldn't protect my kitty from that beast. Malfoy had been attacked twice previously by this same dog. The first time I had to take him to the vet because he had gaping hole in his tummy and I was horrified. He had to be operated on and had a drain in his tummy for a week. The second time he was just shaken up. And the third was fatal... He was such a tough kitty and a total sweetheart. He never purred very loudly. You'd have to have your ear right next to him but it was there. Malfoy slept behind my knees or on my legs. ALWAYS. I missed that last night, even when Bones and Flitwick curled up beside me. Yes, I'm aware I sound like a crazy cat lady right about now but I don't care. These kitties ARE the equivalent to having children.

And now I give you a few photos of my Neville and Malfoy kitties:

       

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." -Anatole France
 Rest in Peace, my babies. Know that I will love you always <3

In happier news, my niece, Abigail Grace Philippi, made her way into the world on January 7th, 2013 at 3:03am. She weighed 6lbs, 14 0z, 18 1/2 inches long. She is absolutely gorgeous, with her mommy's nose and her daddy's chin. My first niece and I'm already hooked.

So sad that so much happiness can be followed by so much sadness. I guess that's just Life.

-Me

There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back...

To be humble to superiors is duty, to equals courtesy, to inferiors nobleness.- Benjamin Franklin

Re-reading my latest post, I realize I came off sounding extremely bitter and very "Bah, humbug"-like. That was not my intention at all. I was trying to just point out the ridiculousness that the holiday has become. Well, this post is much lighter... I promise.

On the 22nd, I volunteered to do face painting for my parents' Raiders club for their Little Warriors Christmas party. It's for kids who are battling or have battled cancer. Some of the kids wore surgical masks because they couldn't be exposed to the environment. I thought this would be difficult to do, especially if I did it on kids who had lost their hair to cancer.Well, the very first in my chair was a 5 year old girl named Leileen. There she was, no hair on her head but the biggest smile on her face. She wanted to be a purple kitty. I painted her face and sent her on her way, thinking that all my stupid little worries were nothing compared to what this little girl has gone through and if she can manage to live her life as normally as possible, I can suck up my piddly-ass problems and get on with my life. Leileen came up 2 more times, first to have a butterfly painted on her left hand and then Hello Kitty painted on her right. She was running around and playing and having the best time. At least 30 kids came through my chair that day, but she left an impression on me.

Modesty is the lowest of the virtues, and is a confession of the deficiency it indicates. He who undervalues himself is justly overvalued by others. -William Hazlitt

On Christmas Eve, I got a facebook message from my ex boyfriend, Casey. Just a simple Merry Christmas and how are you? I responded then he asked if I wanted to catch up or get a drink or something. Of course I wanted to. I love catching up with friends I haven't seen in a while. In this case, I hadn't seen him in 6 years. He just stopped talking to me and kind of disappeared. Of course, I thought it was something I had done- it usually is. Anyway, on Wednesday I drove to BJ's in menifee and met him for dinner. I recognized the back of his head immediately. Same floppy hair. I thought it might be weird or awkward or long silences. It wasn't at all. We talked for 3 hours, the way we used to on AIM every night before we even started dating. I mean, talking to someone for 3 hours isn't really a big deal...I do it all the time. But this was a big deal. It didn't feel like we hadn't talked in 6 years. He apologized for that. For just up and ending our friendship. I wasn't terribly surprised because all my ex boyfriends eventually do, but I was hurt because he gave me absolutely no explanation. It was nice to find out that it had nothing to do with me after all. He also told me that he felt self-conscious about the height difference the whole time we were dating (He's 5'4, I'm 5'8) but that was due to his own insecurities. It didn't phase me at all, and I'm the girl, but that kind of thing has never bothered me. He then proceeded to pay for my dinner, though he drove an hour out of his way to see me. That just means I'll have to buy next time...if there is a next time. Hope so, anyway. It was a wonderful night.


Last week, I started watching my friend's little boys. Kyle is 5 and Kaden is 3. Cutest kids. They LOVE coming over. It isn't because of me; it's because of all the toys and my giant yard that they can play in. They're really good boys, easy to watch and easy to entertain. The little one likes to get into the fridge and cupboards and get things out but I have avoided this by basically putting all the snack stuff up. Their mom told me all they could talk about the night after our first day was "going to Lauren's house tomorrow". Kyle even hugged me and thanked me for letting them come over. It was so sweet! Having them over pretty much all day has forced me to be more active. I have to keep tabs on them at all times and then go outside and run around. The other day, Kyle told me I was a zombie and he had to shoot me. I fell in the mud "dead" more times than I care to admit. Definitely don't want kids but it's good to not just sit around all day.

Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are. ~Malcolm S. Forbes

I've been given a lot to think about in the last week. What I want out of life, where I'm going, who I want in my life... I'm making some big changes. There are some people who don't deserve my time and energy anymore and frankly, I'm tired of trying. Then there are the pathological liars in my life who have worn out their welcome. It's my life and I need to do what's best for me. I have a drama-free policy and I intend to keep it that way. Don't bring your drama into my life and expect me to just accept it. Don't care if that's harsh; that's how it's gonna be...

Gotta be me.
-Me

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

Call me a Scrooge, but I just don't like holidays. I don't like the idea of spending lots of money on crap people don't need or the forced merriment or gathering with family. Don't get me wrong, I love my family very much but I don't see why we need to force each other into a tiny house once a year to celebrate a holiday that wasn't intended for family in the first place. We see each other plenty during the year. Then my mother treats me like I'm 5 years old again. "Did you say hello?" "Did you say thank you?" "Come eat" Blah, blah, blah...and if I make one tiny remark I'm suddenly being a bitch and I ruined the whole day. There is lots of booze around, lots of stupid jokes at my and every one's expense and you can't get mad because then you're just being uptight. Plus, I tend to sit in the corner and not talk much. I just don't have a lot to say. And it's not like I have anything interesting in my life going on. I'm not working steadily, I don't have a family, I don't have a boyfriend...all I have is theatre and nobody cares about that. Mom took pictures last night of Callie's family, then KC's family, then me by myself...to signify the pathetic, single, child-less daughter. Like I need another reminder of my pitiful existence.

 And the greediness just sickens me. Why do you need to spend hundreds of dollars on something you're just gonna replace in a few months with the next big trend? I literally spent $7 to buy Jackson one of those stacks of plastic colored rings since it was his first Christmas. That is all the money I spent. I really couldn't afford much else and to be honest, I didn't want to spend the money on stuff people didn't need. Do you know what I got this year? Nothing (with the exception of the $50 my grandparents sent me) and I am 100% okay with that. I don't need anything. If there happens to be something I want during the year, I usually buy it for myself...unless it's ridiculously expensive because, obviously, I don't need it. Every year, I tell my parents not to buy me anything and they never listen. Mom has to overdo it because she's a Christmas freak. Well, this year has been rough financially and they couldn't afford much so they only bought for the little ones. They feel terrible about it but I don't see a problem. Why put yourself in the poor house for unnecessary stuff? We're all big kids; we'll get over it. And really, I feel humbled. I don't need material things to make me happy.

Now I'm not trying to make it sound like people who enjoy the holidays are stupid or those who received a lot of gifts are terrible people. These are my personal feelings and thoughts. I don't hate my family. I don't hate people who enjoy getting a lot of gifts. I hate the idea of the whole season. I would be perfectly happy staying home and spending the day with my family without getting all dressed up and without exchanging gifts. Maybe I'm being Grinch-ish, but that's just how I feel about the whole thing. And, for the love of God, I HATE CHRISTMAS MUSIC. It's the same 10 songs done 100 different ways.

That being said, I'm still awaiting word on this job. I haven't given up hope. They're most likely going to start hiring after the first of the year; a couple weeks after that I'll start to worry. I am perfect for this job. I have the skills. I have the experience. I have the passion. Above all, I have people who believe in me so much that they're confident it's mine. Oi, I'd hate to disappoint.

Now onward to New Year's Eve. Merry Christmas, my friends. Hope it found you in better spirits than I.

-Me

A crash of drums, a flash of light...

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh!" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you." ~A.A. Milne

The only thing about blogging I despise is actually sitting down and typing out a post. It takes me hours to get out what I want to say and make it sound coherent and not like a 4 year old wrote it. Actually, Camerin makes things sound more interesting than I do half the time. I wish I had that kid's imagination and story-telling abilities.

This weekend was filled with many fun and thought-provoking moments. I haven't had a weekend like this in a long time. It started with Thursday, when I met up with a friend from middle school/high school whose boys I'll be babysitting starting next week. Something came up and I ended up watching them for an hour and a half. I must have done something right because later the 5 year old, Kyle, told his mom that he was gonna buy me jewelry and marry me and live in his own house. It was very flattering to say the least. I even made an impression on her 3 year old, Kaden. He just had dental surgery and has to relearn to talk around his new teeth, so much of his speech wasn't entirely clear to me. However, his mom told me he liked me because he kept bringing different toys up and showing them to me.

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. ~Marcel Proust

 Later that night, after much debate with myself, I drove out to Cellarz 93 in temecula to celebrate Geoff's birthday. Sheila, Michael, Shanti and Zack were there, which made me happy I decided to go after all. Shanti invited Michael and I to go see the midnight premiere of The Hobbit and we accepted. I was sure it was sold out but the theatre wasn't even packed. Anyway, it was a good movie and overall fun night with two people I adore.

Saturday was Adam and Roxxanne's Christmas party. Per Adam's request, I made my famous chocolate chip cookies. They really are amazing. Anyway, it was an extremely awesome night that included many, MANY white elephant gifts (due in large part to Adam and Roxxanne) and lots of laughter. There is a 22 minute video of me opening the Gift from Hell, which turned out to be two cans of beets. I think the wounds on my fingers will last longer.

The party lasted till around 1am but my insomnia kicked in and I could not sleep. Stephen fell asleep around 1:30-2 and that left me chatting with Roxxanne and Adam for a bit till Roxxanne decided to go to bed. Adam and I ended up having a heart to heart till 5am and it took me back to our conversations in my car, in the In-and-Out and MSJC parking lots, till the wee hours in the morning. I realized that I really miss him and I hate that I haven't made much time (or effort) in the past 5 years to hangout. He informed me that he and Roxxanne won't be in the area for much longer, due to needing to move to a state where he can pursue acting in professional theatres. As happy as I am for the both of them, I can't help but be a little sad. I've been so wrapped up in my own life and with friendships that don't mean near as much that I haven't put forth any effort and soon they won't be there. But it felt so good to really express myself and every little worry I have and know that he wasn't judging me or contradicting. I think I was at a point where I teared up, but if he noticed he didn't say anything.

There's one sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west -
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

At 5am he could barely keep his eyes open while I was wide awake. I told him to go to bed and pretty much just sat there for an hour thinking, then Stephen woke up. We had a long conversation about relationships and we talked about Adam and Roxxanne leaving, and how he was gonna be in the area for about 8 more months before he joins the Peace Corps and proceeded to tell me his reason for joining when I asked. Really great conversation and I barely know the guy. I actually talked about things I wasn't even comfortable discussing with Adam. Strange how we can spill our guts to someone who is a complete stranger compared to someone else. Then we cleaned up from the party and talked more till Roxxanne woke up around 9am. An hour later, I left to go home and sleep for a few hours.

I ended up seeing The Hobbit again, this time in Imax 3D. I honestly didn't see much of a difference. However, the company was different. When I saw it with Shanti and Michael, we talked, laughed and made comments during then afterwards there was a brief "What did you think of the movie?" and then I dropped Shanti off at home and Michael off at his car before I drove home. When I saw it with Adam, Roxxanne and Stephen, there was no talking during and afterward there was a full- blown discussion about the movie and the series in general. I offered a couple opinions but opted to remain quiet because I'm more of a listener than a talker. No one believes me when I say I'm actually really quiet. I guess I just don't put a lot of thought into a movie when I see it. I either liked it or I didn't.

In other news, I'm impatiently waiting to hear back about that job I applied for a week ago. I'm trying to remain optimistic because they said they were casting crew in the next couple weeks but I can't help but think the worst. Zack said they'd be stupid not to hire me. Michael said I was the best for it and it was mine, and even said he was gonna punch this guy, who asked skeptically what my chances of getting it were, when I got the job. They're both very sweet for being so positive and I love them for it. I just wish I could think such things. I sent a follow up email and still have yet to receive even a confirmation response. This job would just change everything for me and open up doors. I feel like a cat who has a string dangled in front of me and every time I go to grasp it it's yanked away. Of course I used a cat analogy...

To sum up, my heart is currently content. My mind, maybe not so much.

-Me

No Day but Today

Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the one you miss. ~Author Unknown

Opportunity is an appropriate theme for this week's post. I have had several opportunities in my life that I could not jump at for one reason or another. I've also had some that I did take, whether for better or for worse. It's not that I didn't have a choice; You always have a choice. I'm where I'm at today because of the choices I've made.

Back in May, I designed and did makeup for La Sierra University's production of The Imaginary Invalid. I chose to do this mainly because it gave me the opportunity to see Kelly more, but also I was being paid to design and hold a workshop for everyone interested in Theatre makeup. It turned out to be an amazing experience and I met some wonderful people. Honestly, the makeup wasn't anything super elaborate (just some 1960's makeup and a little character makeup) and the majority of the cast were able to apply their own.

Well, I found out earlier this week that I received a KCACTF (Kennedy Center American College Theater Festival) Certificate of Meritorious Achievement Award for Makeup Design for that show. I was shocked. They said absolutely nothing about the makeup when they came to judge the show. In fact, Kelly approached the guy afterward to ask about it. He said they assume students do their own makeup so it isn't something they look at. Well, evidently I did something right because I was awarded.  When I found out, I had assumed it was for the current production, because they had come to watch on Sunday, but no. Apparently, they determine these results at the end of the year. So I won't know anything about LWW till next year. But I am stoked nonetheless.

Speaking of, The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe closes this weekend. It's been a great run and I'm so very glad I was apart of it. The actors are terrific, gorgeous costumes and set, awesome techies and the makeup is beautiful. It's worth the drive to and from Riverside. I'll be sad to see it go...for many reasons.
 
Grasp your opportunities, no matter how poor your health; nothing is worse for your health than boredom. ~Mignon McLaughlin

I had turned down Gringos at Large at the beginning of this week due to my mom's condition and conflicting rehearsal schedules with Mary Stuart. After all, I agreed to do MS first, before I knew how things would pan out. I really didn't want to quit, because I'm not a quitter, but I would have been extremely busy (I would have basically been at Mary Stuart once a week and that isn't good when you're stage managing) and I needed to be more available to help Mom out in her present state. I'll miss working with the friends I would have been working with, but I have the friends in MS to look forward to.

 I received a call from the career services lady at EI when I arrived at LSU yesterday. She offered me a paid job today (Friday) through Sunday, doing makeup for a specific character in The Nutcracker in San Pedro. I wish I was available. But with the show closing this weekend, plus Callie's baby shower tomorrow, I had to decline.

Opportunity is a parade. Even as one chance passes, the next is a fife and drum echoing in the distance. ~Robert Brault

However, my friend Tiffanie contacted me on facebook with a major job opportunity. A friend of hers does hiring for different companies and had contacted Tiffanie about this job, which is based out of Texas. Well, she is starting work at M.A.C in a couple weeks and has children so it would be unsuitable for her. This is all I know as of right now:
 
"This job is traveling with a stage play... pays between $700-1400 per week... I believe... they start crew casting in a couple of weeks

traveling all over the US...
they cover room and board, etc..."

She thought of me because I LOVE theatre and I also don't have children so I'm free to travel. So she referred me to her friend. I got my resume together and sent her friend an email, along with some samples of my Theatre work. I'll know more about it (like when the tour starts) as soon as she replies. But I am beyond ecstatic! This is an amazing chance to do what I love. Yes, there are other things I'll have to deal with if I do get the job but nothing I need concern myself with now and nothing that is too great that I would turn the job down. I am anxiously awaiting her response as we speak...or I type, rather...

This has been a week full of opportunity, in many ways then just the ones I mentioned. I was stressed, because I wasn't sure where I was going and how I was going to take care of some things, but Life is looking up.

It's nice to know someone has my back.

-Me

Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back, struck from a great height...

"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is."- Francis Bacon

I have often said that's it's a good thing I'm able to laugh at myself. I do many, MANY foolish things that I can laugh off. Others just say that I'm "funny". I do not believe this is the case. I have never been "funny". I just use humor as a defense mechanism (I'm Chandler Bing!) and people laugh at me. But if they choose to believe I'm just a funny lady, then I'm okay with that. I'd rather make people laugh then anything else.

"You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it."- Bill Cosby

This last week has been an insanely busy one for me. I did makeup for the first weekend of "The Subject was Roses" with Stratford Players. Very powerful play, wonderful cast. Adam was particularly excellent as Timmy, the son who came home from the war after 3 years. He has always been good but this role was made for him. I saw a range I had not seen in previous roles he's done. I wouldn't mind seeing it again if I didn't have to do makeup this weekend.

After Friday night's performance, I went to dinner with Adam and Roxxanne, Tom, Stephen and Chip. I haven't had that much fun in a long time. It was so good to spend longer than a couple hours with Adam and Roxxanne. We grab lunch/dinner like once every six months, but it's just not enough. They've always been great friends and I feel like I used to take it for granted when we were in school together. Well, that's changing. I have never hung out with Tom outside of rehearsals for the show we did together a year ago, and it's unfortunate. He's hilarious. And hanging out with Stephen was pretty awesome. I don't meet many people with as similar of a sense of humor as myself and it's always interesting to see where the conversation leads. Definitely someone I'd like to hang out with more often. I don't feel like I really talked to Chip as much but he's a very nice, funny guy and I wish he would have come back to the apartment with us to hang out longer. Saturday night, Chelsea, Lewis and Sarah came out with us. Not quite the same as the previous night (or as late), but it was fun nonetheless.

Sunday, I had a photo shoot from 11 to 3, followed by going to La Sierra to talk to the cast about their makeup for the show and to look through the department's makeup supply. I also was able to see costumes, which really helped give me an idea of what everything was going to look like. I went back Monday to do makeup. It started out as a disaster. Everyone showed up on time to have makeup done. I guess I didn't realize how many I'd be doing. But everyone was really excited for it and super nice that it made it much easier and when they all stepped out on stage under the lights, all my stress and hours of designing made it all worth it. They look AMAZING. It's even worth the 3 hours spent applying makeup every night. The best part about it all is that the actors like their designs and if they don't they don't voice it. A few things needed to be tweaked here and there but the end result is beautiful. I'm so very pleased with myself right now that it's nauseating. Exhausted but satisfied. I'm looking forward to the night off tomorrow.

I had a scare this week with Mom. Saturday, I had to take her to Urgent Care for her knee. There was fear that it might be a blood clot. The fear was confirmed, but it's just a superficial clot. No serious threat unless it travels to her main artery. It's scary because Grandma died from a blood clot in the main artery of her leg. Then she texts me on Tuesday and tells me she's at Urgent Care because she's having weird heart palpitations. The doctor said she was fine, just stressed, but this is serious stuff. I've been super stressed and freaked out. I can't lose my mom. Not this early in my life. I don't know what any of us would do if something did happen. Especially Dad. I don't know how he would function without her. It's a blessing that everything is fine and there is no serious concern.

The least important of everything that has happened this week is the subject of dating was brought up. It's been close to 3 months since we broke up, and this is the longest I've gone without seeing anyone. I'm not hating it nor am I loving it. I'm just doing my thing right now. Seeing Kelly this week has made me miss him, but that could be because I'm seeing him every day as opposed to when I wasn't seeing him at all. I think that's normal. It won't be like that next week when I'm not there every night and after the show ends next weekend, I don't know when I'll see him again. It's bittersweet, but it's inevitable. Anyway, I'm not saying I wouldn't be up to going on a date. That's the best way to get to know someone. I'm not actively seeking out a date, either. As stated in a previous post, I'm not asking anyone out. If interested, a guy can ask me out. And I mean really interested in me, not the physical activity part. I know guys who are only interested in me in that respect but I'm not that girl. I want to be wooed (Yes, I said wooed).

Things have been thrown my way this week that are determined to kick me down. However, it's not working. This week, I'm unstoppable.

This week at least...
-Me

Every endeavor,I have made - ever - is coming into play,is here and now - today!

For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanksgiving is tomorrow, yet I've seen posts on Facebook all month about what my friends are grateful for. That's all very well but I don't believe in posting a different reason all month (nothing against those that have). We should always be thankful for what has been bestowed upon us...the good and the bad.

I consider myself very fortunate. I have a wonderful family, good friends and work that I love to do. It isn't a steady 9-5 job and I don't have to go into work every day, but I enjoy it. The theatre part of my work makes me incredibly happy. Theatre will always be my first love and while I desperately miss performing, I get to be involved with the entire aspect of a production. And the people are amazing. In the last week, I had my first read-throughs for Gringos at Large and Mary Stuart (even had a rehearsal for Gringos) and I couldn't be happier. I love seeing old friends again. It always feels like you're coming home, especially when you know a person is genuinely happy to see you and gives you a big hug... I had a couple of those moments.

My makeup work is taking off. I have photo shoots lined up and a promising future with some models. Almost finished designing makeup for La Sierra University's production of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, which opens December 1st and will be fantastic (I'm also helping with makeup for the show). I'm doing makeup for another show this weekend and I may be doing some Boudoir shoots with a photographer in San Diego. Roberto told me last night that I was spreading myself pretty thin but I'm happiest when I have a lot of projects going on.

There is great comfort and inspiration in the feeling of close human relationships and its bearing on our mutual fortunes - a powerful force, to overcome the 'tough breaks' which are certain to come to most of us from time to time."
- Walt Disney

Nothing I've done would be possible without the support of my family. I don't know where I'd be today if it weren't for them. Hell, if my parents hadn't let me move back in here and have helped me out the way they have, I would probably be turning tricks on the streets of Hemet and be in a horrible position. As much as I wish I had the means to be on my own and be a grown up like a normal 26 year old, I'm extremely fortunate to have my parents. Family is the most important thing in my life, no matter how much they drive me crazy, and I need to stop being so judgmental about the things they do. At the end of the day, they're the ones who got my back. I'm happy to be spending the next 2 days with them.

As I've stated in previous entries, Friendship means everything to me. Whether or not it's been days, weeks, months or years that I've known someone. I don't know why I was chosen to have these gifts I call friends but I don't question it. Just know that I love and appreciate every single one of them. I've found myself choked up over it on occasion and it seems silly, but I can't help it. I'll never understand why people gravitate towards other people the way they do. Complete strangers at first...and then walk away friends. Sometimes for life. Yes, I sound a bit corny but that's never bothered me.

Above all, I am just fortunate to be here. In this life. I'm not, by any means, a saint. I make mistakes. I make stupid choices. I put a lot of negativity out in the universe, towards myself and others. Some days, I have nothing nice to say about anything or anyone. However, I couldn't be happier to be alive and well. My life is important, no matter what I might say otherwise.

To those who may read this, I thank you. For just taking the time to see what I have to say. Time is the most valuable and precious gift you can give someone... no matter how great or small.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.
-Me

Someone I'll always laugh with; Even at my worst I'm best with you...

The language of friendship is not words but meanings.- Henry David Thoreau

 Friendship is a funny, fragile subject. I have been fortunate in my life to have a few honest-to-goodness friendships. Sure, I've had many friends over the years but not ones that were true. I can honestly count on one hand the friends that will be in my life 10 years down the road. But that's okay. I love those people with all my heart and consider myself blessed just to know them.

Friends are born, not made.- Henry Adams

I still remember the day I first met Britney. We had P.E. the same period in 7th grade, just different instructors. After warm ups, we were instructed to do 1 of 3 activities. Britney, myself and 2 other girls played Four Square. From that moment on, we just clicked. No explanation needed. I don't get to see her very often but when we get together it's like no time has passed between us. That's a true friend. I'd hurt anyone who hurt her. She's amazing and wonderful and every other positive adjective you can think of. That all describes her.

Lewis and I didn't click right away, which is funny because we're so close now. That bond took time to establish. Maybe it's because I initially liked him and tried to get close to him that way. Once that phase passed, our friendship grew. We keep each other honest. I know I'm a bit harsh with him, because I feel honesty is always the best policy no matter how much it hurts, but I also know he values me for it and I value his insight. I love that guy like he's my own flesh and blood. That's why I'm so protective of him when it comes to other women. I just want him to have the best, because he deserves all of that and more.

Your friends will know you better in the first minute they meet you than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.- Richard Bach
 
As of late, I have had many encounters with friends, old and new. Ti's the season, I suppose. It's good to mingle with others outside of my usual circle for a change. Last weekend, I spent a long, LONG night at Denny's with a group of guys who are, in a word, awesome. Some were old friends, some were new. The important thing is a great time was had by all, even if it was spent playing Kill/Fuck/Marry till 4 am. Hell, even the waiter got involved. And the conversations got weird but I was there so that is to be expected. We had a good time and there are plans being made to hang out again.

Sunday was spent in Riverside with Miss Ashley. I LOVE this girl! Our mutual love for thrifting, vintage clothing and being self-proclaimed hippies was what drew us together when we did Bye Bye Birdie back in 2006. That, and we were definitely the outsiders. Anyhow, we ran the Awards booth for the Mission Run. So glad we were together. Shared giggles, story-telling, dancing and boy-watching made up for the extremely aggressive and bitchy runners we endured all day and the incompetent little girls they had at the booth with us. It even made up for the 2 hour cleanup of the area due to careless, irresponsible vendors leaving garbage everywhere.

The downside to the day was discovering my car had been towed from her father's place of business by a disgruntled employee who happened to come in on a Sunday. It was our good luck that the towing guy was understanding and sympathetic, He met us down there, though they were closed, and only charged half of the fee to get my car back (Still $170, but that's better than $340). Graciously, Ashley covered the fee. She absolutely did not have to do this and I did not expect her to, but she said that since she told me to park there she felt responsible. I was just relieved I was able to get my car out then and that it hadn't been stolen. You can't imagine how I felt coming around the corner and discovering an empty parking lot.

Afterward, we went to lunch with her family. Such lovely people. I've had the pleasure of being around the entire family only once before, but they are a lively bunch. I fit in so well with them. They made the day so much fun and enjoyable. Genuinely nice people are a rare commodity.

I also got to see Kelly briefly at rehearsal at LSU. He's just a great guy. I love making him laugh. I can say and do the stupidest things and he laughs. Our relationship was based on humor and mutual strange behavior so why wouldn't our friendship be just the same? Many are surprised by how quickly we were able to be friends after our breakup but I don't understand why. We're adults and we enjoy each other's company. And I value his opinion on my work so I always show him my designs and he gives feedback.

The friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you. - Elbert Hubbard

I very rarely have people go out of their way to make an effort with me. Therefore, I was surprised and flattered when a new friend of mine has recently done so. The best compliment I received from this person was that I was a good person and they hoped that people around me appreciated that fact. It's nice to hear. Unnecessary, but nice. We also discussed being comfortable in your own skin, even when first meeting someone. I've learned that first impressions are sometimes the only impression you get to make on someone so you can't afford to be hesitant. You just have to put it all out there and, if the person isn't a complete bonehead, they'll accept you just the way you are. That's how you know if they're a real friend or not.

I thank God for the way he made you; distinct, special and
unique. You were not made from a common mold. - Erwin W. Lutzer

My life is filled with people I love and respect. I am thankful for every person who I consider a friend and considers me theirs. It makes the world that much easier to handle.

-Me

If you've had enough of all your trying, just give up the state of mind you're in.

To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.- Winston Churchill

You may have noticed I like to use quotes in my posts. They aren't necessary but I think they emphasize the point I am trying to make. They inspire me, and all writing is fueled by inspiration...or some shit.

Change is slowing taking over my life. And I am allowing it. I find I change every so often, not always because I want to or necessarily for the better, but because it is inevitable. I need it. If I or everything around me stayed the same I'd become bored easily. There are, of course, things that I'd love to stay the same...like friendships...but that just doesn't happen. However, it's the true friendships that last even after they change. Unfortunately, I have very few of those but this post isn't about my lonely existence. It's about change.

Strong character is brought out by change, weak ones by permanence.- Jean Paul

I am determined to make myself into an improved, stronger Lauren. Physically, mentally and (God willing) emotionally. I need to feel good about myself on a regular basis. Yes, I have awesome self esteem. I'm a bit full of myself, conceited, yada yada yada... but I don't always feel like it. I have my moments of weakness. I'm only human.

So, with that, I have cut soda out of my diet. Crazy, right? It's only been a week but I already feel less sluggish and more energized. I do miss my beloved Dr. Pepper, though. It was an ugly breakup. I also have limited my intake of carbohydrates. Though I may not be "fat", I can definitely use some work on my physique. My goal is to fit into the size 13 jeans I bought at the thrift store 2 weekends ago. I used to fit into size 13. Oh, they fit but no where near comfortably. So some exercise is required. But I'm not taking up running. Far too much impact on my girly assets and I just flat out don't want to. I have a routine that won't kill me but will help improve my form.

Keeping with the "improvements", I was watching My Shopping Addiction on the Oxygen network and realized I have far too many clothes. No, I'm not saying I have a shopping addiction but I do love thrift stores. A LOT. I have clothes that very rarely get worn. They could help somebody else out. So the plan for today is to go through my clothes and donate at least a black trash bag full to Angel View (my favorite thrift shop. All proceeds help children and adults with disabilities maximize their potential.) I hate getting rid of stuff because later on down the line I'll need it for something and won't have it but I need to stop being so self-involved. I have it better than others and need to be thankful. This is the month for that, after all.

Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.- George Bernard Shaw

There are areas in my personal/social life that have been undergoing changes, as well. I think I'm having second thoughts about one but it's too soon to really make a judgement call. It's the best possible outcome I could hope for and I am thankful for that friendship. One friendship I put entirely too much emphasis on and I'm appalled by my blindness to the fact that it is almost completely one-sided. I say almost because this person did eventually contact me after several attempts at contact on my part. Though the explanation given isn't completely excusable, I accepted it. Another friendship that I value above many is kinda at a standstill. Other factors have come into play and more attention is being put on them. This happens in many, many friendships but I don't accept it. It's inexcusable.

In all my relationships, personal or social, I have found that not much effort is given on the other side. I'm usually the one to take the initiative. Well, that's changing. I'm not making much of an effort anymore. I end up feeling like a desperate jackass and that's not a good feeling. After my breakup, I went through a stage of "clinginess" with a couple of my friends (not surprisingly, both were male. The majority of my friends are male), but not in an intimate way. I'm not that kind of girl. I just wanted to talk and hang out with them. In the long run, I embarrassed myself. I vow to never be like that again. It isn't me.

The next few weeks are gonna be trying. I'm gonna hurt. I'm gonna cry. I'm gonna want to give up. But I won't let myself. There's no place for quitters. And there's no time for doubt. I'm gonna hurdle forward and come out on top, stronger than ever.

I always do.
-Me

 

 

 

Don't gasp at the predictable; A comforting lie can't last.

I don't pretend to be Captain Weird. I just do what I do.- Johnny Depp

It's no secret that I am a weirdo. I contribute a large portion of this to my mother. From an early age, she encouraged my individuality. I remember running around in Punky Brewster inspired outfits and playing games I made up in my head, talking to myself. Little did she know that she was nurturing the offbeat personality seen before you today. I have never really "fit in" anywhere. That has definitely never bothered me, though. I like me and my family accepts this. They say "Oh, that's just Lauren."

 An example of this was on Halloween. I didn't really have a concept of what I wanted my makeup to look like. I just went with it. I came in and asked Johnna what she thought. She said, and I quote, "It's...different, but that's you. You're weird."

Sometimes I wonder why I think the way I do and like the things I like. No wonder I spend so much time alone... I'm odd and some people don't know how to handle that. To this I say "Your loss. I'm awesome."

Just a thought that I wanted to express.

There is no such thing as a weird human being, It's just that some people require more understanding than others.- Tim Robbins

I meant to blog once a week. Well, I missed last week. I was just too caught up planning my parent's and grandmother's costumes/makeup for their Black Hole party. I'd like to point out that Mom and Dad won second and third place in the costume contest, respectively. The makeup was awesome, I must admit.

Speaking of Halloween, this year was particularly enjoyable. Last saturday I did makeup on a friend of Mom's at the house, then traveled to Mira Loma to do Dee's makeup for her halloween party (I made her into a Twinkle Witch), plus Caitlin and Kadence's makeup (They were matching kitties). After hanging there for a bit afterward, I traveled to Temecula for the Ryle Halloween party, where I enjoyed my night with some very good friends. I love going over there because everyone is always happy to see me and they're such nice people. Live music, courtesy of Devon's band Ink and Geoff's band Lifetime Rocker, and fun people. It was wonderful to see some of my "Merchant" friends again. Wish they all could have been there. I ended up staying till 3:30 in the morning and then driving home to watch Married with Children till 6am so I would be awake to do Mom and Dad's makeup for their party. Later, I drove to La Sierra University to take pictures of the cast for makeup design, followed by watching The Walking Dead with Kelly, whom I hadn't seen since we broke up. It felt normal. He said something stupid, I laughed. It was great to see him. All and all, a good weekend.

Wednesday (Halloween), I spent the better part of the afternoon coming up with my makeup for the night. I discovered my pink pirate/renaissance shirt Josh gave me for my birthday 2 years ago (and have never worn) in the backroom and ended up plotting my design around that. Then it was off to Canyon Lake to return Dana's top hat to her so she could wear it that night. We chatted for about an hour while she decorated her yard and I took pictures of myself. Hey, it's what I do, okay?

Around 5, Devon called me to ask if I was still willing to help him do his Weeping Angel makeup. He thought I lived in LA, which I guess he assumed because I was traveling from Hollywood to MOV rehearsals in July, and wasn't sure if I wanted to drive out to do his makeup. Anyway, Dana informed me that a Weeping Angel was a Dr. Who thing. I don't watch Dr. Who, so I had no idea. I'm not even sure what I was thinking when he said Weeping Angel. He had asked me at the party and I agreed because I had no other plans. Yes, I had no plans for Halloween. I thought I'd be busy doing makeup... I was wrong.

So I left Dana's and went to his house. Daniel was finishing spray painting the canvas  that served as Devon's robe and the wreath of silver leaves. As I did his makeup, Devon invited me to hang out with him and his friends for the night. They were going Trick or Treating off of Redhawk and then going to a haunted house in the neighborhood, followed by Field of Screams at Storm Stadium. I accepted, though I DO NOT DO HAUNTED anything, because I didn't want to just go home and Devon is super awesome. It ended up being a great night. We met up with Brett and hiked over to the haunted house (in my heels, no less. My feet are killing me), which turned out to be pretty cool. I gripped Devon's hand the entire time out of fear. haha. Nobody got his costume. They just thought he was a gargoyle. On our way back to Brett's, some dumbass in a white station wagon threw a water balloon at my foot, which didn't break but it hurt like hell. It also didn't break on the second attempt by Brett. How do you suck at making water balloons? Honestly.

We ended up at Field of Screams at 9:40, to find out it closed at 10. We just wanted to check it out so the guy let us in free of charge. We went through a maze called Darkness, so named because there was absolutely no source of light in the place. I screamed bloody murder when we walked through a section that set off firecrackers. We encountered one scarer in the maze because they were getting ready to close. After that one we went over to the Serial Killer maze. It was a really cool set but there were little to no scarers left inside. Regardless, we had fun. Then it was off to In and Out for late night dinner, where we met up with some of Devon's friends who had worked the haunted house. Afterward, we dropped Brett off at home and went back to Devon's, but not before having a dance party in my car to "Thriller".

I thought hanging out with a couple of 16 year olds would feel weird or like I was babysitting, but it was the exact opposite. I had a really great time and didn't feel any older than them. It was just an awesome night with 2 really cool guys. Much better than anything else I would have been doing, which probably would have been watching Hocus Pocus (though I do LOVE that movie).

Sometimes things don't work out the way you plan. However, as in my case, the unexpected can be much, much better.

-Me

Time be my friend, let me start again.

I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for a while.- Ellen Page, Juno

That statement rings so true at the moment. I arrived home last night from Idyllwild and just felt this wave of serenity wash over me. It's not always the best or most exciting place to be, but it's home. I can be myself here, watch what I like, eat and drink what I like and, best of all, my kitties love me no matter what I do or look like.

I spent the weekend with my lovely friend Diane and her husband, Nick. Diane is just a doll and I adore her. It was very easy to spend a couple days with her. Her husband, on the other hand, was over-bearing, arrogant and downright unpleasant. He questioned me about my makeup artistry ("But is that what you want to do? As a career?"), he inquired about my family and was very judgemental about my 23 year old sister having a 4 year old, and basically called me fat. "You're very pretty, you could be a model with your stunning features but with that bad fat from the high fructose corn syrup hanging on to you..." This is not the exact conversation but that about sums it up. Mind you, we had this over lunch. As I was eating. Imagine how I feel. The guy had an opinion about everything. He assumed that because of my age I knew nothing about classical music (he's a musician) and that, because I didn't have a piano in my house growing up, that I wasn't as intelligent.

That's definitely not all I have to say on the man, but I'll leave it at that. At our cast party saturday night, I was asked by a castmate what I thought of him. The general opinion is the same as mine. My friend Danny, god bless him, got all chivalrous and as he was leaving, told Nick that he "should know better than call that girl fat" then walked out. Luckily, he didn't put two and two together and figured out it was me he was talking about. That would have been a grueling ordeal, considering I was staying at his house. So anyway, I opted to not stay another night and drive home after the show sunday. I couldn't do another night/morning of vegan food and lectures.

Since it came up, I don't know how my Vegan friends do it. The food is so bland and unsatisfying. Plus, it smells horrible. I swear the salsa I had yesterday tasted like Pinesol. I was hungry all weekend. Today has been spent stuffing my face with cheesy bread and pizza leftover from last night. I guess it takes a lot of discipline and willpower...both of which I don't possess. More power to you, Vegans.

My current dilemna (if you can really call it that) is dealing with being blown off. I'm not used to being blown off. Hell, I'm not even sure if I'm being blown off. All I know is I sent two texts (because I'm a pansy and won't just call) and there has been no response. Already feeling stupid, I sent a third a bit ago...stating how stupid I must be for even texting again after no response but is everything okay? Nothing.

Now, I don't know why our plan didn't work out and I don't care about that. It's not like it was a date or anything. I just want to know he's okay. Maybe your phone is dead. Fine. But you could send a message through facebook. I wish it didn't bother me so much. I wish I could just say screw it, but I can't. He's my friend. I want a response. Even a "Fuck off and leave me alone". Hey, at least I got the message. Ugh. I'm such a girl.


I went back to Starbucks to give the cute guy my number, but he wasn't working. Since I'm not much of a Starbucks drinker as it is and the location isn't exactly in "drive-by" distance, I guess it's not gonna happen. He didn't have a nametag on (or at least a visable one) so I couldn't just leave my card with someone to give to him. "Can you give this to the cute guy with the reddish-colored pompadour?" Sounds so sophisticated. All I know about the guy is he, in his own words, is "a boring 20 year old who just uses his phone to check the stock market". Super. I can't even facebook stalk him. Oh, well. It was nice to know that based on my looks alone, I got a free drink and a short but sweet (even if shy), flirty conversation. Sometimes a girl likes to know she's attractive. Sure, I know guys who think I'm attractive but it's nice coming from a cute stranger.

Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.- J.K. Simmons, Juno

Juno. I love that movie. It's so funny, wonderfully weird and heartfelt. Hence why both quotes are from it. Ellen Page is amazing. That's why she's my choice to play me in a movie based on my life. And J.K. Simmons in that movie as her father. That line is one of my favorite lines in cinematic history. Maybe it isn't profound or inspirational, but it speaks to the heart.

...Well, mine anyway. I've always been a little weird

-Me

I'll be fine. It's not the first. Just like last time, but a little worse.

So. I have chosen to start blogging again. This should be interesting.

Personally, I quite like the title I have chosen for my blog. It makes me giggle to myself. The title is a play on a quote from a movie I enjoy immensely and it just seemed fitting.

I don't even know why I want to blog. Nobody cares about my piddly-ass problems. And they really are piddly-ass. There's nothing seriously wrong or of major concern. So I'm lonely. Boo-frickity-hoo. There are worse things in the world. I'll be fine. I've never needed a lot of people in my life and don't feel the need to change that now. Besides, the only people I want to spend any time with are or have become notoriously busy. Life gets in the way. I totally understand. I was one of those people once.

Kelly and I ended our year long relationship. On an extremely good note, I might add. We agreed it wasn't going anywhere and I was unhappy which, according to a friend, was obvious to anyone who had a conversation with me in the last two months. That actually made me laugh. I believe the same friend had told me over lunch one day that every time I mentioned Kelly I sounded bitter. Huh. I don't pay attention to most of what comes out of my mouth, but I didn't mean to come off that way. Kelly is a great guy and an even better friend. That's why everyone adores him. I just wanted more out of our relationship and I don't mean "physically". This was a humorous topic to friends/family that I don't find humorous at all. Am I so shallow and arrogant that I would break up with someone so wonderful just to get some? I'd like to think not. The problem and eventual downfall of our relationship was the lack of intimacy, which is an entirely different thing.

We will remain friends and that's the best I could ask for. The texts have diminished, as expected, and soon I'm sure the facebook shares will follow suit. And I will be sad. That's what happens when a relationship ends. No worries. I'll be fine.

The topic of discussion now is do I want to start dating again right away. Yes and no. Yes, because I like boys entirely too much to stay away for long but also no, because I like being single. I haven't been single for longer than a month or two in the past five years...and that doesn't count the boys I may or may not have made out with in those couple months. Don't judge me. Kissing can be innocent enough and I'm not ashamed.

Though there are guys I'd love to ask on a date, I'm refraining. I always initiate these things and frankly, I'm tired of it. Let someone ask me out for a change. I'm a lady, damn it. I want to be pursued. I'm tired of putting myself out there. But I also don't like to beat around the bush. You never know how someone feels till you ask. Believe me, I know. I've risked friendships on more than one occasion. For now, I remain single and, despite the depressing and blantantly obvious absence of desire, I'll be fine.

I'll be fine.
-Me