There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back...

To be humble to superiors is duty, to equals courtesy, to inferiors nobleness.- Benjamin Franklin

Re-reading my latest post, I realize I came off sounding extremely bitter and very "Bah, humbug"-like. That was not my intention at all. I was trying to just point out the ridiculousness that the holiday has become. Well, this post is much lighter... I promise.

On the 22nd, I volunteered to do face painting for my parents' Raiders club for their Little Warriors Christmas party. It's for kids who are battling or have battled cancer. Some of the kids wore surgical masks because they couldn't be exposed to the environment. I thought this would be difficult to do, especially if I did it on kids who had lost their hair to cancer.Well, the very first in my chair was a 5 year old girl named Leileen. There she was, no hair on her head but the biggest smile on her face. She wanted to be a purple kitty. I painted her face and sent her on her way, thinking that all my stupid little worries were nothing compared to what this little girl has gone through and if she can manage to live her life as normally as possible, I can suck up my piddly-ass problems and get on with my life. Leileen came up 2 more times, first to have a butterfly painted on her left hand and then Hello Kitty painted on her right. She was running around and playing and having the best time. At least 30 kids came through my chair that day, but she left an impression on me.

Modesty is the lowest of the virtues, and is a confession of the deficiency it indicates. He who undervalues himself is justly overvalued by others. -William Hazlitt

On Christmas Eve, I got a facebook message from my ex boyfriend, Casey. Just a simple Merry Christmas and how are you? I responded then he asked if I wanted to catch up or get a drink or something. Of course I wanted to. I love catching up with friends I haven't seen in a while. In this case, I hadn't seen him in 6 years. He just stopped talking to me and kind of disappeared. Of course, I thought it was something I had done- it usually is. Anyway, on Wednesday I drove to BJ's in menifee and met him for dinner. I recognized the back of his head immediately. Same floppy hair. I thought it might be weird or awkward or long silences. It wasn't at all. We talked for 3 hours, the way we used to on AIM every night before we even started dating. I mean, talking to someone for 3 hours isn't really a big deal...I do it all the time. But this was a big deal. It didn't feel like we hadn't talked in 6 years. He apologized for that. For just up and ending our friendship. I wasn't terribly surprised because all my ex boyfriends eventually do, but I was hurt because he gave me absolutely no explanation. It was nice to find out that it had nothing to do with me after all. He also told me that he felt self-conscious about the height difference the whole time we were dating (He's 5'4, I'm 5'8) but that was due to his own insecurities. It didn't phase me at all, and I'm the girl, but that kind of thing has never bothered me. He then proceeded to pay for my dinner, though he drove an hour out of his way to see me. That just means I'll have to buy next time...if there is a next time. Hope so, anyway. It was a wonderful night.


Last week, I started watching my friend's little boys. Kyle is 5 and Kaden is 3. Cutest kids. They LOVE coming over. It isn't because of me; it's because of all the toys and my giant yard that they can play in. They're really good boys, easy to watch and easy to entertain. The little one likes to get into the fridge and cupboards and get things out but I have avoided this by basically putting all the snack stuff up. Their mom told me all they could talk about the night after our first day was "going to Lauren's house tomorrow". Kyle even hugged me and thanked me for letting them come over. It was so sweet! Having them over pretty much all day has forced me to be more active. I have to keep tabs on them at all times and then go outside and run around. The other day, Kyle told me I was a zombie and he had to shoot me. I fell in the mud "dead" more times than I care to admit. Definitely don't want kids but it's good to not just sit around all day.

Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are. ~Malcolm S. Forbes

I've been given a lot to think about in the last week. What I want out of life, where I'm going, who I want in my life... I'm making some big changes. There are some people who don't deserve my time and energy anymore and frankly, I'm tired of trying. Then there are the pathological liars in my life who have worn out their welcome. It's my life and I need to do what's best for me. I have a drama-free policy and I intend to keep it that way. Don't bring your drama into my life and expect me to just accept it. Don't care if that's harsh; that's how it's gonna be...

Gotta be me.
-Me

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

Call me a Scrooge, but I just don't like holidays. I don't like the idea of spending lots of money on crap people don't need or the forced merriment or gathering with family. Don't get me wrong, I love my family very much but I don't see why we need to force each other into a tiny house once a year to celebrate a holiday that wasn't intended for family in the first place. We see each other plenty during the year. Then my mother treats me like I'm 5 years old again. "Did you say hello?" "Did you say thank you?" "Come eat" Blah, blah, blah...and if I make one tiny remark I'm suddenly being a bitch and I ruined the whole day. There is lots of booze around, lots of stupid jokes at my and every one's expense and you can't get mad because then you're just being uptight. Plus, I tend to sit in the corner and not talk much. I just don't have a lot to say. And it's not like I have anything interesting in my life going on. I'm not working steadily, I don't have a family, I don't have a boyfriend...all I have is theatre and nobody cares about that. Mom took pictures last night of Callie's family, then KC's family, then me by myself...to signify the pathetic, single, child-less daughter. Like I need another reminder of my pitiful existence.

 And the greediness just sickens me. Why do you need to spend hundreds of dollars on something you're just gonna replace in a few months with the next big trend? I literally spent $7 to buy Jackson one of those stacks of plastic colored rings since it was his first Christmas. That is all the money I spent. I really couldn't afford much else and to be honest, I didn't want to spend the money on stuff people didn't need. Do you know what I got this year? Nothing (with the exception of the $50 my grandparents sent me) and I am 100% okay with that. I don't need anything. If there happens to be something I want during the year, I usually buy it for myself...unless it's ridiculously expensive because, obviously, I don't need it. Every year, I tell my parents not to buy me anything and they never listen. Mom has to overdo it because she's a Christmas freak. Well, this year has been rough financially and they couldn't afford much so they only bought for the little ones. They feel terrible about it but I don't see a problem. Why put yourself in the poor house for unnecessary stuff? We're all big kids; we'll get over it. And really, I feel humbled. I don't need material things to make me happy.

Now I'm not trying to make it sound like people who enjoy the holidays are stupid or those who received a lot of gifts are terrible people. These are my personal feelings and thoughts. I don't hate my family. I don't hate people who enjoy getting a lot of gifts. I hate the idea of the whole season. I would be perfectly happy staying home and spending the day with my family without getting all dressed up and without exchanging gifts. Maybe I'm being Grinch-ish, but that's just how I feel about the whole thing. And, for the love of God, I HATE CHRISTMAS MUSIC. It's the same 10 songs done 100 different ways.

That being said, I'm still awaiting word on this job. I haven't given up hope. They're most likely going to start hiring after the first of the year; a couple weeks after that I'll start to worry. I am perfect for this job. I have the skills. I have the experience. I have the passion. Above all, I have people who believe in me so much that they're confident it's mine. Oi, I'd hate to disappoint.

Now onward to New Year's Eve. Merry Christmas, my friends. Hope it found you in better spirits than I.

-Me

A crash of drums, a flash of light...

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh!" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you." ~A.A. Milne

The only thing about blogging I despise is actually sitting down and typing out a post. It takes me hours to get out what I want to say and make it sound coherent and not like a 4 year old wrote it. Actually, Camerin makes things sound more interesting than I do half the time. I wish I had that kid's imagination and story-telling abilities.

This weekend was filled with many fun and thought-provoking moments. I haven't had a weekend like this in a long time. It started with Thursday, when I met up with a friend from middle school/high school whose boys I'll be babysitting starting next week. Something came up and I ended up watching them for an hour and a half. I must have done something right because later the 5 year old, Kyle, told his mom that he was gonna buy me jewelry and marry me and live in his own house. It was very flattering to say the least. I even made an impression on her 3 year old, Kaden. He just had dental surgery and has to relearn to talk around his new teeth, so much of his speech wasn't entirely clear to me. However, his mom told me he liked me because he kept bringing different toys up and showing them to me.

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. ~Marcel Proust

 Later that night, after much debate with myself, I drove out to Cellarz 93 in temecula to celebrate Geoff's birthday. Sheila, Michael, Shanti and Zack were there, which made me happy I decided to go after all. Shanti invited Michael and I to go see the midnight premiere of The Hobbit and we accepted. I was sure it was sold out but the theatre wasn't even packed. Anyway, it was a good movie and overall fun night with two people I adore.

Saturday was Adam and Roxxanne's Christmas party. Per Adam's request, I made my famous chocolate chip cookies. They really are amazing. Anyway, it was an extremely awesome night that included many, MANY white elephant gifts (due in large part to Adam and Roxxanne) and lots of laughter. There is a 22 minute video of me opening the Gift from Hell, which turned out to be two cans of beets. I think the wounds on my fingers will last longer.

The party lasted till around 1am but my insomnia kicked in and I could not sleep. Stephen fell asleep around 1:30-2 and that left me chatting with Roxxanne and Adam for a bit till Roxxanne decided to go to bed. Adam and I ended up having a heart to heart till 5am and it took me back to our conversations in my car, in the In-and-Out and MSJC parking lots, till the wee hours in the morning. I realized that I really miss him and I hate that I haven't made much time (or effort) in the past 5 years to hangout. He informed me that he and Roxxanne won't be in the area for much longer, due to needing to move to a state where he can pursue acting in professional theatres. As happy as I am for the both of them, I can't help but be a little sad. I've been so wrapped up in my own life and with friendships that don't mean near as much that I haven't put forth any effort and soon they won't be there. But it felt so good to really express myself and every little worry I have and know that he wasn't judging me or contradicting. I think I was at a point where I teared up, but if he noticed he didn't say anything.

There's one sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west -
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

At 5am he could barely keep his eyes open while I was wide awake. I told him to go to bed and pretty much just sat there for an hour thinking, then Stephen woke up. We had a long conversation about relationships and we talked about Adam and Roxxanne leaving, and how he was gonna be in the area for about 8 more months before he joins the Peace Corps and proceeded to tell me his reason for joining when I asked. Really great conversation and I barely know the guy. I actually talked about things I wasn't even comfortable discussing with Adam. Strange how we can spill our guts to someone who is a complete stranger compared to someone else. Then we cleaned up from the party and talked more till Roxxanne woke up around 9am. An hour later, I left to go home and sleep for a few hours.

I ended up seeing The Hobbit again, this time in Imax 3D. I honestly didn't see much of a difference. However, the company was different. When I saw it with Shanti and Michael, we talked, laughed and made comments during then afterwards there was a brief "What did you think of the movie?" and then I dropped Shanti off at home and Michael off at his car before I drove home. When I saw it with Adam, Roxxanne and Stephen, there was no talking during and afterward there was a full- blown discussion about the movie and the series in general. I offered a couple opinions but opted to remain quiet because I'm more of a listener than a talker. No one believes me when I say I'm actually really quiet. I guess I just don't put a lot of thought into a movie when I see it. I either liked it or I didn't.

In other news, I'm impatiently waiting to hear back about that job I applied for a week ago. I'm trying to remain optimistic because they said they were casting crew in the next couple weeks but I can't help but think the worst. Zack said they'd be stupid not to hire me. Michael said I was the best for it and it was mine, and even said he was gonna punch this guy, who asked skeptically what my chances of getting it were, when I got the job. They're both very sweet for being so positive and I love them for it. I just wish I could think such things. I sent a follow up email and still have yet to receive even a confirmation response. This job would just change everything for me and open up doors. I feel like a cat who has a string dangled in front of me and every time I go to grasp it it's yanked away. Of course I used a cat analogy...

To sum up, my heart is currently content. My mind, maybe not so much.

-Me

No Day but Today

Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the one you miss. ~Author Unknown

Opportunity is an appropriate theme for this week's post. I have had several opportunities in my life that I could not jump at for one reason or another. I've also had some that I did take, whether for better or for worse. It's not that I didn't have a choice; You always have a choice. I'm where I'm at today because of the choices I've made.

Back in May, I designed and did makeup for La Sierra University's production of The Imaginary Invalid. I chose to do this mainly because it gave me the opportunity to see Kelly more, but also I was being paid to design and hold a workshop for everyone interested in Theatre makeup. It turned out to be an amazing experience and I met some wonderful people. Honestly, the makeup wasn't anything super elaborate (just some 1960's makeup and a little character makeup) and the majority of the cast were able to apply their own.

Well, I found out earlier this week that I received a KCACTF (Kennedy Center American College Theater Festival) Certificate of Meritorious Achievement Award for Makeup Design for that show. I was shocked. They said absolutely nothing about the makeup when they came to judge the show. In fact, Kelly approached the guy afterward to ask about it. He said they assume students do their own makeup so it isn't something they look at. Well, evidently I did something right because I was awarded.  When I found out, I had assumed it was for the current production, because they had come to watch on Sunday, but no. Apparently, they determine these results at the end of the year. So I won't know anything about LWW till next year. But I am stoked nonetheless.

Speaking of, The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe closes this weekend. It's been a great run and I'm so very glad I was apart of it. The actors are terrific, gorgeous costumes and set, awesome techies and the makeup is beautiful. It's worth the drive to and from Riverside. I'll be sad to see it go...for many reasons.
 
Grasp your opportunities, no matter how poor your health; nothing is worse for your health than boredom. ~Mignon McLaughlin

I had turned down Gringos at Large at the beginning of this week due to my mom's condition and conflicting rehearsal schedules with Mary Stuart. After all, I agreed to do MS first, before I knew how things would pan out. I really didn't want to quit, because I'm not a quitter, but I would have been extremely busy (I would have basically been at Mary Stuart once a week and that isn't good when you're stage managing) and I needed to be more available to help Mom out in her present state. I'll miss working with the friends I would have been working with, but I have the friends in MS to look forward to.

 I received a call from the career services lady at EI when I arrived at LSU yesterday. She offered me a paid job today (Friday) through Sunday, doing makeup for a specific character in The Nutcracker in San Pedro. I wish I was available. But with the show closing this weekend, plus Callie's baby shower tomorrow, I had to decline.

Opportunity is a parade. Even as one chance passes, the next is a fife and drum echoing in the distance. ~Robert Brault

However, my friend Tiffanie contacted me on facebook with a major job opportunity. A friend of hers does hiring for different companies and had contacted Tiffanie about this job, which is based out of Texas. Well, she is starting work at M.A.C in a couple weeks and has children so it would be unsuitable for her. This is all I know as of right now:
 
"This job is traveling with a stage play... pays between $700-1400 per week... I believe... they start crew casting in a couple of weeks

traveling all over the US...
they cover room and board, etc..."

She thought of me because I LOVE theatre and I also don't have children so I'm free to travel. So she referred me to her friend. I got my resume together and sent her friend an email, along with some samples of my Theatre work. I'll know more about it (like when the tour starts) as soon as she replies. But I am beyond ecstatic! This is an amazing chance to do what I love. Yes, there are other things I'll have to deal with if I do get the job but nothing I need concern myself with now and nothing that is too great that I would turn the job down. I am anxiously awaiting her response as we speak...or I type, rather...

This has been a week full of opportunity, in many ways then just the ones I mentioned. I was stressed, because I wasn't sure where I was going and how I was going to take care of some things, but Life is looking up.

It's nice to know someone has my back.

-Me