Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back, struck from a great height...

"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is."- Francis Bacon

I have often said that's it's a good thing I'm able to laugh at myself. I do many, MANY foolish things that I can laugh off. Others just say that I'm "funny". I do not believe this is the case. I have never been "funny". I just use humor as a defense mechanism (I'm Chandler Bing!) and people laugh at me. But if they choose to believe I'm just a funny lady, then I'm okay with that. I'd rather make people laugh then anything else.

"You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it."- Bill Cosby

This last week has been an insanely busy one for me. I did makeup for the first weekend of "The Subject was Roses" with Stratford Players. Very powerful play, wonderful cast. Adam was particularly excellent as Timmy, the son who came home from the war after 3 years. He has always been good but this role was made for him. I saw a range I had not seen in previous roles he's done. I wouldn't mind seeing it again if I didn't have to do makeup this weekend.

After Friday night's performance, I went to dinner with Adam and Roxxanne, Tom, Stephen and Chip. I haven't had that much fun in a long time. It was so good to spend longer than a couple hours with Adam and Roxxanne. We grab lunch/dinner like once every six months, but it's just not enough. They've always been great friends and I feel like I used to take it for granted when we were in school together. Well, that's changing. I have never hung out with Tom outside of rehearsals for the show we did together a year ago, and it's unfortunate. He's hilarious. And hanging out with Stephen was pretty awesome. I don't meet many people with as similar of a sense of humor as myself and it's always interesting to see where the conversation leads. Definitely someone I'd like to hang out with more often. I don't feel like I really talked to Chip as much but he's a very nice, funny guy and I wish he would have come back to the apartment with us to hang out longer. Saturday night, Chelsea, Lewis and Sarah came out with us. Not quite the same as the previous night (or as late), but it was fun nonetheless.

Sunday, I had a photo shoot from 11 to 3, followed by going to La Sierra to talk to the cast about their makeup for the show and to look through the department's makeup supply. I also was able to see costumes, which really helped give me an idea of what everything was going to look like. I went back Monday to do makeup. It started out as a disaster. Everyone showed up on time to have makeup done. I guess I didn't realize how many I'd be doing. But everyone was really excited for it and super nice that it made it much easier and when they all stepped out on stage under the lights, all my stress and hours of designing made it all worth it. They look AMAZING. It's even worth the 3 hours spent applying makeup every night. The best part about it all is that the actors like their designs and if they don't they don't voice it. A few things needed to be tweaked here and there but the end result is beautiful. I'm so very pleased with myself right now that it's nauseating. Exhausted but satisfied. I'm looking forward to the night off tomorrow.

I had a scare this week with Mom. Saturday, I had to take her to Urgent Care for her knee. There was fear that it might be a blood clot. The fear was confirmed, but it's just a superficial clot. No serious threat unless it travels to her main artery. It's scary because Grandma died from a blood clot in the main artery of her leg. Then she texts me on Tuesday and tells me she's at Urgent Care because she's having weird heart palpitations. The doctor said she was fine, just stressed, but this is serious stuff. I've been super stressed and freaked out. I can't lose my mom. Not this early in my life. I don't know what any of us would do if something did happen. Especially Dad. I don't know how he would function without her. It's a blessing that everything is fine and there is no serious concern.

The least important of everything that has happened this week is the subject of dating was brought up. It's been close to 3 months since we broke up, and this is the longest I've gone without seeing anyone. I'm not hating it nor am I loving it. I'm just doing my thing right now. Seeing Kelly this week has made me miss him, but that could be because I'm seeing him every day as opposed to when I wasn't seeing him at all. I think that's normal. It won't be like that next week when I'm not there every night and after the show ends next weekend, I don't know when I'll see him again. It's bittersweet, but it's inevitable. Anyway, I'm not saying I wouldn't be up to going on a date. That's the best way to get to know someone. I'm not actively seeking out a date, either. As stated in a previous post, I'm not asking anyone out. If interested, a guy can ask me out. And I mean really interested in me, not the physical activity part. I know guys who are only interested in me in that respect but I'm not that girl. I want to be wooed (Yes, I said wooed).

Things have been thrown my way this week that are determined to kick me down. However, it's not working. This week, I'm unstoppable.

This week at least...
-Me

Every endeavor,I have made - ever - is coming into play,is here and now - today!

For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thanksgiving is tomorrow, yet I've seen posts on Facebook all month about what my friends are grateful for. That's all very well but I don't believe in posting a different reason all month (nothing against those that have). We should always be thankful for what has been bestowed upon us...the good and the bad.

I consider myself very fortunate. I have a wonderful family, good friends and work that I love to do. It isn't a steady 9-5 job and I don't have to go into work every day, but I enjoy it. The theatre part of my work makes me incredibly happy. Theatre will always be my first love and while I desperately miss performing, I get to be involved with the entire aspect of a production. And the people are amazing. In the last week, I had my first read-throughs for Gringos at Large and Mary Stuart (even had a rehearsal for Gringos) and I couldn't be happier. I love seeing old friends again. It always feels like you're coming home, especially when you know a person is genuinely happy to see you and gives you a big hug... I had a couple of those moments.

My makeup work is taking off. I have photo shoots lined up and a promising future with some models. Almost finished designing makeup for La Sierra University's production of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, which opens December 1st and will be fantastic (I'm also helping with makeup for the show). I'm doing makeup for another show this weekend and I may be doing some Boudoir shoots with a photographer in San Diego. Roberto told me last night that I was spreading myself pretty thin but I'm happiest when I have a lot of projects going on.

There is great comfort and inspiration in the feeling of close human relationships and its bearing on our mutual fortunes - a powerful force, to overcome the 'tough breaks' which are certain to come to most of us from time to time."
- Walt Disney

Nothing I've done would be possible without the support of my family. I don't know where I'd be today if it weren't for them. Hell, if my parents hadn't let me move back in here and have helped me out the way they have, I would probably be turning tricks on the streets of Hemet and be in a horrible position. As much as I wish I had the means to be on my own and be a grown up like a normal 26 year old, I'm extremely fortunate to have my parents. Family is the most important thing in my life, no matter how much they drive me crazy, and I need to stop being so judgmental about the things they do. At the end of the day, they're the ones who got my back. I'm happy to be spending the next 2 days with them.

As I've stated in previous entries, Friendship means everything to me. Whether or not it's been days, weeks, months or years that I've known someone. I don't know why I was chosen to have these gifts I call friends but I don't question it. Just know that I love and appreciate every single one of them. I've found myself choked up over it on occasion and it seems silly, but I can't help it. I'll never understand why people gravitate towards other people the way they do. Complete strangers at first...and then walk away friends. Sometimes for life. Yes, I sound a bit corny but that's never bothered me.

Above all, I am just fortunate to be here. In this life. I'm not, by any means, a saint. I make mistakes. I make stupid choices. I put a lot of negativity out in the universe, towards myself and others. Some days, I have nothing nice to say about anything or anyone. However, I couldn't be happier to be alive and well. My life is important, no matter what I might say otherwise.

To those who may read this, I thank you. For just taking the time to see what I have to say. Time is the most valuable and precious gift you can give someone... no matter how great or small.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.
-Me

Someone I'll always laugh with; Even at my worst I'm best with you...

The language of friendship is not words but meanings.- Henry David Thoreau

 Friendship is a funny, fragile subject. I have been fortunate in my life to have a few honest-to-goodness friendships. Sure, I've had many friends over the years but not ones that were true. I can honestly count on one hand the friends that will be in my life 10 years down the road. But that's okay. I love those people with all my heart and consider myself blessed just to know them.

Friends are born, not made.- Henry Adams

I still remember the day I first met Britney. We had P.E. the same period in 7th grade, just different instructors. After warm ups, we were instructed to do 1 of 3 activities. Britney, myself and 2 other girls played Four Square. From that moment on, we just clicked. No explanation needed. I don't get to see her very often but when we get together it's like no time has passed between us. That's a true friend. I'd hurt anyone who hurt her. She's amazing and wonderful and every other positive adjective you can think of. That all describes her.

Lewis and I didn't click right away, which is funny because we're so close now. That bond took time to establish. Maybe it's because I initially liked him and tried to get close to him that way. Once that phase passed, our friendship grew. We keep each other honest. I know I'm a bit harsh with him, because I feel honesty is always the best policy no matter how much it hurts, but I also know he values me for it and I value his insight. I love that guy like he's my own flesh and blood. That's why I'm so protective of him when it comes to other women. I just want him to have the best, because he deserves all of that and more.

Your friends will know you better in the first minute they meet you than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.- Richard Bach
 
As of late, I have had many encounters with friends, old and new. Ti's the season, I suppose. It's good to mingle with others outside of my usual circle for a change. Last weekend, I spent a long, LONG night at Denny's with a group of guys who are, in a word, awesome. Some were old friends, some were new. The important thing is a great time was had by all, even if it was spent playing Kill/Fuck/Marry till 4 am. Hell, even the waiter got involved. And the conversations got weird but I was there so that is to be expected. We had a good time and there are plans being made to hang out again.

Sunday was spent in Riverside with Miss Ashley. I LOVE this girl! Our mutual love for thrifting, vintage clothing and being self-proclaimed hippies was what drew us together when we did Bye Bye Birdie back in 2006. That, and we were definitely the outsiders. Anyhow, we ran the Awards booth for the Mission Run. So glad we were together. Shared giggles, story-telling, dancing and boy-watching made up for the extremely aggressive and bitchy runners we endured all day and the incompetent little girls they had at the booth with us. It even made up for the 2 hour cleanup of the area due to careless, irresponsible vendors leaving garbage everywhere.

The downside to the day was discovering my car had been towed from her father's place of business by a disgruntled employee who happened to come in on a Sunday. It was our good luck that the towing guy was understanding and sympathetic, He met us down there, though they were closed, and only charged half of the fee to get my car back (Still $170, but that's better than $340). Graciously, Ashley covered the fee. She absolutely did not have to do this and I did not expect her to, but she said that since she told me to park there she felt responsible. I was just relieved I was able to get my car out then and that it hadn't been stolen. You can't imagine how I felt coming around the corner and discovering an empty parking lot.

Afterward, we went to lunch with her family. Such lovely people. I've had the pleasure of being around the entire family only once before, but they are a lively bunch. I fit in so well with them. They made the day so much fun and enjoyable. Genuinely nice people are a rare commodity.

I also got to see Kelly briefly at rehearsal at LSU. He's just a great guy. I love making him laugh. I can say and do the stupidest things and he laughs. Our relationship was based on humor and mutual strange behavior so why wouldn't our friendship be just the same? Many are surprised by how quickly we were able to be friends after our breakup but I don't understand why. We're adults and we enjoy each other's company. And I value his opinion on my work so I always show him my designs and he gives feedback.

The friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you. - Elbert Hubbard

I very rarely have people go out of their way to make an effort with me. Therefore, I was surprised and flattered when a new friend of mine has recently done so. The best compliment I received from this person was that I was a good person and they hoped that people around me appreciated that fact. It's nice to hear. Unnecessary, but nice. We also discussed being comfortable in your own skin, even when first meeting someone. I've learned that first impressions are sometimes the only impression you get to make on someone so you can't afford to be hesitant. You just have to put it all out there and, if the person isn't a complete bonehead, they'll accept you just the way you are. That's how you know if they're a real friend or not.

I thank God for the way he made you; distinct, special and
unique. You were not made from a common mold. - Erwin W. Lutzer

My life is filled with people I love and respect. I am thankful for every person who I consider a friend and considers me theirs. It makes the world that much easier to handle.

-Me

If you've had enough of all your trying, just give up the state of mind you're in.

To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often.- Winston Churchill

You may have noticed I like to use quotes in my posts. They aren't necessary but I think they emphasize the point I am trying to make. They inspire me, and all writing is fueled by inspiration...or some shit.

Change is slowing taking over my life. And I am allowing it. I find I change every so often, not always because I want to or necessarily for the better, but because it is inevitable. I need it. If I or everything around me stayed the same I'd become bored easily. There are, of course, things that I'd love to stay the same...like friendships...but that just doesn't happen. However, it's the true friendships that last even after they change. Unfortunately, I have very few of those but this post isn't about my lonely existence. It's about change.

Strong character is brought out by change, weak ones by permanence.- Jean Paul

I am determined to make myself into an improved, stronger Lauren. Physically, mentally and (God willing) emotionally. I need to feel good about myself on a regular basis. Yes, I have awesome self esteem. I'm a bit full of myself, conceited, yada yada yada... but I don't always feel like it. I have my moments of weakness. I'm only human.

So, with that, I have cut soda out of my diet. Crazy, right? It's only been a week but I already feel less sluggish and more energized. I do miss my beloved Dr. Pepper, though. It was an ugly breakup. I also have limited my intake of carbohydrates. Though I may not be "fat", I can definitely use some work on my physique. My goal is to fit into the size 13 jeans I bought at the thrift store 2 weekends ago. I used to fit into size 13. Oh, they fit but no where near comfortably. So some exercise is required. But I'm not taking up running. Far too much impact on my girly assets and I just flat out don't want to. I have a routine that won't kill me but will help improve my form.

Keeping with the "improvements", I was watching My Shopping Addiction on the Oxygen network and realized I have far too many clothes. No, I'm not saying I have a shopping addiction but I do love thrift stores. A LOT. I have clothes that very rarely get worn. They could help somebody else out. So the plan for today is to go through my clothes and donate at least a black trash bag full to Angel View (my favorite thrift shop. All proceeds help children and adults with disabilities maximize their potential.) I hate getting rid of stuff because later on down the line I'll need it for something and won't have it but I need to stop being so self-involved. I have it better than others and need to be thankful. This is the month for that, after all.

Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.- George Bernard Shaw

There are areas in my personal/social life that have been undergoing changes, as well. I think I'm having second thoughts about one but it's too soon to really make a judgement call. It's the best possible outcome I could hope for and I am thankful for that friendship. One friendship I put entirely too much emphasis on and I'm appalled by my blindness to the fact that it is almost completely one-sided. I say almost because this person did eventually contact me after several attempts at contact on my part. Though the explanation given isn't completely excusable, I accepted it. Another friendship that I value above many is kinda at a standstill. Other factors have come into play and more attention is being put on them. This happens in many, many friendships but I don't accept it. It's inexcusable.

In all my relationships, personal or social, I have found that not much effort is given on the other side. I'm usually the one to take the initiative. Well, that's changing. I'm not making much of an effort anymore. I end up feeling like a desperate jackass and that's not a good feeling. After my breakup, I went through a stage of "clinginess" with a couple of my friends (not surprisingly, both were male. The majority of my friends are male), but not in an intimate way. I'm not that kind of girl. I just wanted to talk and hang out with them. In the long run, I embarrassed myself. I vow to never be like that again. It isn't me.

The next few weeks are gonna be trying. I'm gonna hurt. I'm gonna cry. I'm gonna want to give up. But I won't let myself. There's no place for quitters. And there's no time for doubt. I'm gonna hurdle forward and come out on top, stronger than ever.

I always do.
-Me

 

 

 

Don't gasp at the predictable; A comforting lie can't last.

I don't pretend to be Captain Weird. I just do what I do.- Johnny Depp

It's no secret that I am a weirdo. I contribute a large portion of this to my mother. From an early age, she encouraged my individuality. I remember running around in Punky Brewster inspired outfits and playing games I made up in my head, talking to myself. Little did she know that she was nurturing the offbeat personality seen before you today. I have never really "fit in" anywhere. That has definitely never bothered me, though. I like me and my family accepts this. They say "Oh, that's just Lauren."

 An example of this was on Halloween. I didn't really have a concept of what I wanted my makeup to look like. I just went with it. I came in and asked Johnna what she thought. She said, and I quote, "It's...different, but that's you. You're weird."

Sometimes I wonder why I think the way I do and like the things I like. No wonder I spend so much time alone... I'm odd and some people don't know how to handle that. To this I say "Your loss. I'm awesome."

Just a thought that I wanted to express.

There is no such thing as a weird human being, It's just that some people require more understanding than others.- Tim Robbins

I meant to blog once a week. Well, I missed last week. I was just too caught up planning my parent's and grandmother's costumes/makeup for their Black Hole party. I'd like to point out that Mom and Dad won second and third place in the costume contest, respectively. The makeup was awesome, I must admit.

Speaking of Halloween, this year was particularly enjoyable. Last saturday I did makeup on a friend of Mom's at the house, then traveled to Mira Loma to do Dee's makeup for her halloween party (I made her into a Twinkle Witch), plus Caitlin and Kadence's makeup (They were matching kitties). After hanging there for a bit afterward, I traveled to Temecula for the Ryle Halloween party, where I enjoyed my night with some very good friends. I love going over there because everyone is always happy to see me and they're such nice people. Live music, courtesy of Devon's band Ink and Geoff's band Lifetime Rocker, and fun people. It was wonderful to see some of my "Merchant" friends again. Wish they all could have been there. I ended up staying till 3:30 in the morning and then driving home to watch Married with Children till 6am so I would be awake to do Mom and Dad's makeup for their party. Later, I drove to La Sierra University to take pictures of the cast for makeup design, followed by watching The Walking Dead with Kelly, whom I hadn't seen since we broke up. It felt normal. He said something stupid, I laughed. It was great to see him. All and all, a good weekend.

Wednesday (Halloween), I spent the better part of the afternoon coming up with my makeup for the night. I discovered my pink pirate/renaissance shirt Josh gave me for my birthday 2 years ago (and have never worn) in the backroom and ended up plotting my design around that. Then it was off to Canyon Lake to return Dana's top hat to her so she could wear it that night. We chatted for about an hour while she decorated her yard and I took pictures of myself. Hey, it's what I do, okay?

Around 5, Devon called me to ask if I was still willing to help him do his Weeping Angel makeup. He thought I lived in LA, which I guess he assumed because I was traveling from Hollywood to MOV rehearsals in July, and wasn't sure if I wanted to drive out to do his makeup. Anyway, Dana informed me that a Weeping Angel was a Dr. Who thing. I don't watch Dr. Who, so I had no idea. I'm not even sure what I was thinking when he said Weeping Angel. He had asked me at the party and I agreed because I had no other plans. Yes, I had no plans for Halloween. I thought I'd be busy doing makeup... I was wrong.

So I left Dana's and went to his house. Daniel was finishing spray painting the canvas  that served as Devon's robe and the wreath of silver leaves. As I did his makeup, Devon invited me to hang out with him and his friends for the night. They were going Trick or Treating off of Redhawk and then going to a haunted house in the neighborhood, followed by Field of Screams at Storm Stadium. I accepted, though I DO NOT DO HAUNTED anything, because I didn't want to just go home and Devon is super awesome. It ended up being a great night. We met up with Brett and hiked over to the haunted house (in my heels, no less. My feet are killing me), which turned out to be pretty cool. I gripped Devon's hand the entire time out of fear. haha. Nobody got his costume. They just thought he was a gargoyle. On our way back to Brett's, some dumbass in a white station wagon threw a water balloon at my foot, which didn't break but it hurt like hell. It also didn't break on the second attempt by Brett. How do you suck at making water balloons? Honestly.

We ended up at Field of Screams at 9:40, to find out it closed at 10. We just wanted to check it out so the guy let us in free of charge. We went through a maze called Darkness, so named because there was absolutely no source of light in the place. I screamed bloody murder when we walked through a section that set off firecrackers. We encountered one scarer in the maze because they were getting ready to close. After that one we went over to the Serial Killer maze. It was a really cool set but there were little to no scarers left inside. Regardless, we had fun. Then it was off to In and Out for late night dinner, where we met up with some of Devon's friends who had worked the haunted house. Afterward, we dropped Brett off at home and went back to Devon's, but not before having a dance party in my car to "Thriller".

I thought hanging out with a couple of 16 year olds would feel weird or like I was babysitting, but it was the exact opposite. I had a really great time and didn't feel any older than them. It was just an awesome night with 2 really cool guys. Much better than anything else I would have been doing, which probably would have been watching Hocus Pocus (though I do LOVE that movie).

Sometimes things don't work out the way you plan. However, as in my case, the unexpected can be much, much better.

-Me