...Then I find myself choking on all my contradictions...

We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.- Orson Welles As mentioned in my previous post, I had more I wanted to write. Now is as good a time as any. Feeling pretty emotional this week, which isn't really any different than any other week but I feel compelled to express those feelings this time. I hate being ignored. Sure, everyone does. However, this happens to me ALL. THE. TIME. I don't ask for constant attention because I don't need it. But sometimes a little attention is called for. It seems when I talk, people just don't listen. And I'm not the only one who notices. I'll start to say something and someone will just talk over me or not acknowledge I said anything. My mother is hugely guilty of this. "I heard what you said. I'm not ignoring you." Well then, ACKNOWLEDGE me. Don't just blow me off. It hurts my feelings. If you don't give a shit, then just say so. Yeah, I'll get mad but at least the pretense isn't there. And it isn't just Mom who does this. It's my friends, other family members, people I work with and even my boyfriend. Sorry, sweetie, but sometimes it's the truth. That's why I blog. I let out my frustration here and there's no hurt feelings of being ignored. It's open to anyone and everyone and whoever feels compelled to read will know what's going on in The Wonderful World of Me. I'm not talking directly to one person, so I won't be upset if no one sees this. To have one's individuality completely ignored is like being pushed quite out of life--like being blown out as one blows out a light.- Evelyn Scott Mom is angry with me because I have a performance of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof on her birthday. This is because she claims she asked me to be her Designated Driver that night. Yes, she mentioned it. However, you expect me to just not do the show because you need someone to drive you home? Is it that difficult to ask someone else to not drink so they can drive? It pisses me off because she would rather have me quit the show and spend that evening waiting to drive, bored out of my mind, while the rest of them drink themselves stupid. Then she made the comment that I could miss a performance because "other people do it", referring to the fact that one of our actors has a wedding to attend and is being understudied that day. Yes, it's easy to do that when you have other male actors and your director is male and can very easily fulfill one of the male roles. There isn't another female to understudy me for that night. She's also mad because my cousin's wedding is the 18th and I "have to go". That was her response when I told her I had a good chance of being cast...that I couldn't miss the wedding. Are you effing kidding me? "Sorry, Frank, but I can't do your show because I have to attend a wedding that no one actually cares if I go to or not." Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe I should just resign from the show and succumb to my family's priorities. Apparently, I only ever think about myself anyway. I'm sorry that I agree to do shows that want to hire me to stage manage or do makeup. I'm sorry I want to continue making money and networking to get my name out there. I'm sorry I'm just so damn good at both that people want to continue to request me for my services. No, I'm not getting paid for 'Cat'. I actually get to just be an actor and enjoy nothing but the opportunity to do so. So yes, I'm doing this for me. I have always been aware that you have to get people listening before you can change their minds. Any artist's big fear is being ignored, so if you get debate, that's great. -Damien Hirst My grandparents came to visit on Friday. We found out the beginning of last week (March 31st to be exact) from a post my grandma made on facebook: Happy Easter to all facebook friends & Family . We will be leaving for California April 2. We want to see our great grand babies. Love Lois & Calvin. Way to give a heads up, Guys. We had no idea they were coming. They'd be here by Thursday, Friday at the latest. Unfortunately, I had already agreed to reprise the makeup for that dance I did the week before and I had to meet Heather at noon Saturday to be ready for a 2pm performance in Yucaipa. Again, Mom was annoyed when I told her I didn't know when I'd be home. "Well, your grandparents might want to do something". It was a freaking job! I was getting paid! What part of that is hard to grasp? Had I known my grandparents were coming down, I wouldn't have agreed to it. But I couldn't just flake out, which makes her even madder because "other people do it all the time". She and my sister think that if it wasn't something for my friends, I'd just flake out. That's definitely not good for business and not good for my character. Anyway, I arrived home around 4:30pm and we had a BBQ and I just got to visit some more. They had come over Friday afternoon and stayed till sunset, so I got to spend pretty much all day with them. It was wonderful because I hadn't seen them in 2 years since they live in Arkansas. When they went to leave Saturday, Grandma told me if I wanted to come visit they'd send me money to go out there. I told her I couldn't take anymore money from them, as they had paid the remaining $6235 so I could attend EI. She said it was nothing because I had graduated and I was actually doing makeup work. Then she told me that they sure were proud of me. Honestly, it made me cry. It's just so nice to hear. As worthless and unsuccessful as I feel, it's great to know my family is proud of me. Makes the fact that I'm not doing much of anything a lot less depressing, that's for sure. I'd love to go visit them and definitely want to take them up on their offer, but I don't know when I'll get the chance. This month I'm in rehearsals for 'Cat' and designing makeup for 12 Angry Jurors at La Sierra University, plus running a workshop to show everyone how to do their own makeup since they go up when my show does. In May, I'm in performances for 'Cat', which runs the last 3 weekends of May, and I'll have began rehearsals for Henry IV (I'm assistant directing/stage managing/makeup artist for this show. Yes, I'm that good.). June will be rehearsals for Henry IV and July are performances. Of course, I don't know my rehearsal schedule for Henry yet so perhaps I can still make a trip to Arkansas for a couple weeks in June. I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. -Maya Angelou And just like that, I'm busy. Another summer with Shakespeare in the Vines, hanging out with friends as well as making money. Plus, another show to add to the growing list of makeup on my resume. Busy, but I like it that way. -Me

Somewhere far away from here, I saw stars. Stars that I could reach...

To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.
- Anatole France

It's already April. What? Where did the last 3 months go? I haven't been busy and that's what usually makes the time fly by. I've been sitting around this house (usually in front of the computer) doing nothing, and I mean nothing.

I've been constantly looking for work, but most of the makeup jobs posted are in LA, usually more than one day and pay nothing. I can't be commuting back and forth to LA multiple days and not get paid. That may sound petty or like I'm too good to do that but I can't afford the gas. I'd love to do the work and network and add it to the growing list of credits I have under my belt but I don't have the funds. Last week, I sent my resume to a dinner theatre in Fontana. Not necessarily as a makeup artist but as tech or production assistant. I definitely have the experience and training and let's face it, working in a theatre is a dream for me. Everything about it appeals to me and I've done every aspect of theatre you can imagine. Besides, Fontana is significantly closer than LA.

Shane contacted me the week before last and asked me if I was available and willing to do body painting on Heather for a performance at La Sierra University Church for their Easter services this past Saturday. Of course I was willing and I happened to be available. I enjoy working with Shane very much and I just really like the people at LSU. To top it off, I was getting paid and really, that was just a bonus for me. It was a huge success with everyone. People actually thought she was tattooed. I've been hired to return this Saturday to reprise the makeup for another performance and Heather has passed my info along to a photographer she works with in Rancho Cucamonga because they always need a makeup artist. Aaron came with me so that he could take my car over to my dad's shop to get the motor mount fixed while I touched up Heather's makeup between services, but he proved to be a valuable assistant and he got to watch me work. Ended up being a waste for him to go because I wasn't able to get my motor mount fixed...again....but I was happy to have him there, anyway.

Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish. A little knowledge that acts is worth infinitely more than much knowledge that is idle.
- John Quincy Adams

Friday I met up with Karla to carpool to Hollywood for a seminar at EI. I hadn't seen her since we graduated in July and it was good to catch up. She told me that she recently hung out with some girls from our class and they mentioned how my work "has gotten better" since school ended. I'm not sure if that means they thought it was bad in school or just that it's continuing to improve. Karla explained that I'm the only one who is continuing to learn since graduation and it shows. From what she told me, I'm the only one from our class (that she still keeps up with) whose even doing makeup work. Well, yeah... why would I spend all that money on makeup school if I'm not going to actually work in makeup? Seems like a waste to me...though it made me feel good to know that the time and effort I put into my work pays off, both financially and artistically.

A big shot is a little shot that kept shooting.
-Anonymous

 

The seminar was with a pro makeup artist who had been in the business for 24 years. She talked about her career (both ups and downs), gave advice to getting our name out there and assured us that it's perfectly normal to feel like you aren't going anywhere after graduation. She said it took her 10 years before she hit it big. Sure, she had worked but nothing majorly significant. It made me feel much better about myself to know that I'm exactly where I should be and I'm doing all the right things. Networking, collaborating and talking to everyone I meet. There isn't anything wrong with where I'm at right now. I do still feel stuck but that's just me... I feel useless and pathetic.

To reach a port we must sail, sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it. But we must not drift or lie at anchor.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

There's more to write about but I feel like this is a good end to this post. Maybe I'll *gasp* post twice in one week...

Maybe not.
-Me

I'm hanging out with me and you're a vacant chair...

“It is not because the truth is too difficult to see that we make mistakes... we make mistakes because the easiest and most comfortable course for us is to seek insight where it accords with our emotions - especially selfish ones.”- Alexander Solzhenitsyn

As humans, we tend to be selfish beings. In many ways. It's easy to become consumed with our own lives, with our own wants and needs. I, for one, am guilty of doing it. I have quite a bit of things on my mind constantly that keep me from interacting with others as much as I could (and should). We are so often blind-sided when it comes to other humans. To our colleagues. To our family. To our friends. Therefore, we don't realize that our selfishness is effecting them. It causes hurt, jealousy and, in my case, anger. Sometimes, we enter into romantic relationships. We're so enthralled by our newfound happiness that we let that relationship consume our lives, and it nudges our other relationships out of the way. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with having that boyfriend or girlfriend. You deserve to be happy and if that person makes you happy, go for it. Just don't lose sight of the other people in your life who love and care about you and deserve your attention as well. Because at the end of the day, when it's all said and one, those relationships are the ones that will always be there. It takes no more than a couple seconds to send a message to that human being we may not realize we're effecting. A simple text "Hey, it's been awhile. How are you doing?"...a quick phone call to let that person know they're on your mind. Don't make excuses. "Oh, I'm so busy with work. I'm so busy with my life." Bull. There are 24 hours in a day. You can spare a few seconds. You can take the time to return that phone call to your friend who just so happens to have amazing news to share and wants you in on their excitement. “I believe all suffering is caused by ignorance. People inflict pain on others in the selfish pursuit of their happiness or satisfaction. Yet true happiness comes from a sense of peace and contentment, which in turn must be achieved through the cultiv” -Dalai Lama   Speaking of that amazing news, I received a phone call from Adam last Saturday morning. Though I was headed to take a shower, I answered my phone. He asked if he could read something to me and I said of course. Adam proceeded to read me an acceptance letter to The Stella Adler Studio of Acting in New York. He has been accepted into their 3 year conservatory program! He really impressed one of the faculty members with his Edgar from King Lear. This guy FOUGHT for Adam, because he believed in him that much. I was so ecstatic for him that I cried in joy as he gushed about his happy news. He deserves this and I fully can't describe how proud I am of him. So much time, effort and money have been put into auditioning for grad schools. He has put in the work and it has paid off ten-fold. Proof that persistence prevails in the end. I insisted we go out that night and celebrate, where he told me all about the program and how excited he was. I found out our friend Chip had also been accepted into the program, which is super awesome. I was just happy to be there for my friend in his hour of triumph. Because that's what friends do. They make time for each other.   In the talk of selfishness, I'm going to be self-indulgent for a moment. Earlier this week, I auditioned for Cat on a Hot Tin Roof with Ramona Hillside Players. I've wanted to play Maggie ever since I read play. I guess you could say it's a dream role. Well, I auditioned and the audition went very well. I was informed last night that I won the role of Mae, another very good role. No where near the size of Maggie, but good nonetheless. I am very pleased for several reasons. The cast is terrific, we have an awesome director and Aaron is playing Gooper, Mae's husband. I get to do another show with him, this time as an actress. But above all, I'm performing again. It's been far too long since I was on stage and I couldn't be happier. Don't have to worry about anything but my lines and my character.   A man is called selfish not for pursuing his own good, but for neglecting his neighbor's. -Richard Whately Just something I wanted to get off my chest. Better than blowing up at somebody. -Me

My normal hesitation is gone and I really gravitate to your will...

I had typed up this nice post a couple weeks ago and right at the end of it I managed to delete it and by the time I figured out how to "undo" it I had messed it up to the point that I couldn't get back my entire entry. So that was 2 hours wasted and I just said screw it. I'm super special.

It has been 2 months since my last post. Ha, that sounds like I'm at a confessional. "It's been 8 weeks since my last confession. Forgive me, for I have sinned. You see, I laid with a man who is not my husband...and a beagle...and some mice." Joking, of course. Bestiality is not a laughing matter...

Mary Stuart has finally come to a close. As much as I will miss my friends, all I can say is 'Thank God it's over'. I was tired of the drama, done with dealing with the "Divas" and just fed up with the un-organization of the whole process. I'm one damn good stage manager and I love what I do, but even I can only take so much. It had been my life since November and I literally hated it. HATED it. Sure, now that it's over I have nothing significant to do with my life, but I have time to actually do other things now. It turned out to be a terrific show and everyone was great (as well it should be, they had been rehearsing practically every night for 3 months).

Aaron and I started dating. It really kinda just happened. I mean, I liked someone else and he was dating someone... We just clicked. It started as just talking on the way to and from rehearsal and at rehearsal. Then one day I sent him a text asking if he got the email I sent out and it escalated from there. It simply was that I liked talking to him. I thought he was nice and we had a very similar sense of humor. And of course I thought he was attractive. I had thought so when I saw him in The Odd Couple at MSJC and when he was ushering The Comedy of Errors, where I shamelessly flirted. I didn't think I'd see him again. Anyway, I think after about a week of constant texting is when he told me if he were single he'd ask me out, much to my complete surprise. I had no idea he was interested...but then again I'm basically oblivious when guys are attracted to me. Even our conversations that went well into the night didn't clue me in. I was just happy to have a friend I had so much in common with.

Long story short, within the span of 3 weeks we were dating. As much as I wish it had happened differently, I'm very pleased with how things turned out. He lives about 15 minutes away (give or take a few), which is awesome because neither of us has to travel far when hanging out and he actually likes to hang out with me. Let's face it, I'm boring so whenever anyone wants to hang out with me I'm flattered. My family likes him...well specifically, my Mom likes him. I don't know anyone else's opinion yet but he's already been to one family get-together and he thinks they're a lot of fun so that's already a point in his favor. That and he socializes with them. Very big with my family. Thursday, I'm going to MSJC to make him into a black guy for his Acting for Film class. He's doing a monologue from Tropic Thunder and it just wouldn't be complete without the makeup. Needless to say, I'm excited. Makeup is my life.


I'm very content with how things are at the present moment. Sure, I'd be happier if I were working more but I have a few feelers out there and I just have to wait till they come to fruitation. The biggest downside to the life of a makeup artist is waiting. But I'm constantly networking and getting my name out there. My only issue is all the "last minute" gigs. I received a message from a photographer in Palm Springs who asked if I was available to do makeup at 2pm the next day out there. I absolutely need more notice than that. My weekends are usually pretty busy and it's hard during the week with baby-sitting, which is starting to become an issue. It limits what gigs I can accept during the week and if she doesn't bring them (this is the case most of the time) then I lose out on work. To top it off, I've been watching her boys since December 26th and have yet to get paid. It's through the county and I haven't received any time sheets yet so that I can start getting paid. I'm questioning it because it has been over 2 months and I'm wondering if she's even actually in the program anymore. She stopped bringing Kyle like a month ago and tried telling me her worker said I'd only be getting paid $2, rather than the agreed upon minimum wage. This further proves my suspicion that she's not in the program because her worker told her if for some reason I wasn't approved or anything else, she would have to pay me out of her own pocket. I don't mind watching her kid if that's the case but she needs to pay me, and I do mean the agreed upon wage, and she needs to be consistent in when she brings him. It's supposed to be Monday-Thursday from 8:30am to 3:30pm. If I'm lucky, she brings him twice a week from 8:30am to noon. But if she isn't bringing him, she doesn't tell me. I have to text her when she doesn't show. HATE THAT. Be fucking responsible and considerate.

That's about it for now. I need to get back to my weekly posts. Why? Because I amuse myself. The only reason I do this in the first place.

-Me

When dame fortune tosses me a curve, I never give away to despair...

Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt. -William Shakespeare, Measure for Measure (Act I, Scene IV)

I realize it has been exactly 3 weeks since my last post. I guess I haven't felt much like blogging. It seems silly, but I'm really depressed about my cat dying. And the worst part of all is that dog is still here. She's supposed to be chained up but there she sits in the pen, unleashed. I mentioned something to Dad and he just shrugged it off. He doesn't give a damn if that dog gets out and goes after another one of my cats and that infuriates me. He's the one who made a huge deal about "cats being cats" and constantly bitched that I needed to let them outside. I let them out and what happens? They get killed by your dog.

I can't live here anymore. Of course, I don't have any other options but it pains me to have my kitties subjected to that dog. Flitwick climbed a tree to get away and I'm not worried about him so much, but Bones has been attacked twice by that dog. I'm afraid he'll meet the same fate as my other two. I don't want to be cruel and keep them couped up inside all day after they know what outdoors is like but with that dog off the chain I worry she will bust out of that pen again...

Everyone can master a grief but he that has it. - William Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing (Act III, Scene II)

Mary Stuart is coming along. It should be further along characterization-wise, but it's shaping up. I think we have yet to have a rehearsal where every cast member is present. I'm super stressed about this. One, dealing with some who obviously aren't putting the work into the show outside of rehearsal. Two, I'm sharing my car with Mom so she can get to and from work. Therefore, most nights (and we have rehearsal pretty much EVERY NIGHT of the week) I'm late to rehearsal. Granted, we don't start till 6pm when we have a 5:30pm call, but I should be there before everyone. Three, dealing with a director who is far too lenient on the cast. I have no problem being the bitch because that's sort of my job as stage manager, but I can't enforce anything if it isn't backed up by the director. We also have cast members who like to play director and have their "opinions" on what their character would do. I'm so completely sick and tired with that BS. Just shut the hell up and do what we tell you.

Rehearsals have become so tedious for me. I'm over watching it night after night. Zack told me when I complimented him on how awesome his scene was the other night that he knew that was a big deal because he knows I hate the show. He also thanked me for being there and said things would not get done if I wasn't stage manager. I really appreciated hearing that. I've felt like I'm not needed and basically like I was wasting my time on people who think they can run this show without me. It wasn't necessary for him to say but it was nice. Honestly, if it weren't for Zack, Michael, Donald and now Aaron being in this show, I would have snapped already. They're pretty great friends.

Show aside, I have not been in a very happy place lately. I'm still down about not getting that touring job (let's face it; I would have heard something by now) and I'm not getting much makeup work. Granted, I did do face painting for that birthday party last weekend and that was a big success, even may have gained a few other parties out of it. I had a friend from La Sierra University contact me about doing makeup for his film this Sunday and next. In fact, 2 friends from LSU have contacted me about makeup for their films. So there's a silver lining in all of this. Of course, I'm doing makeup for Mary Stuart but that was practically a given. I just feel like I should be doing more than what I am. I'm going no where fast and it's extremely disheartening. 5 years ago, I never imagined I would be stuck where I am now. I'll be 27 in a few months and I am a big fat nobody. All because I decided I was an artist and that's the direction my heart led me in.

We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.- Mark Twain

I'm trying to be happy. Trying to overcome these feelings of uselessness. Having a little trouble, that's all.

 

-Me

 

...While befriending fate's alluring way of putting us to shame.

Do you ever agree to do something, something that you normally enjoy doing, and almost immediately regret it? That's how I'm feeling right now about stage managing Mary Stuart. Of course, I love doing it and being around my friends. However, part of me just doesn't want to be there. Sitting there watching others act makes me sad. I haven't acted in such a long time. I miss it, especially when I know I can play the main role 100 times better than she can... and I feel like I'm just not needed there. Sure, I know some of the cast is happy I'm there but then there are the others who think they can manage without me. And it isn't because I don't like it; it's because I should be off doing makeup and doing what I do best. No, the couple hours a few nights a week don't interfere...I'm just unhappy.

Unhappy because I feel stuck. I haven't had any makeup work in awhile and it's depressing. Though I'm trying to remain optimistic about this touring makeup job, I'm becoming more and more discouraged each day that passes with no word. Damn it, I was POSITIVE I had this job. I'm absolutely the perfect fit for it. I built it up to where I believed I had already been hired. That's what I get for NOT being pessimistic...

Yesterday, I lost my Malfoy kitty to our pit bull. Yes, the same pit bull that killed Neville. My dad just refuses to get rid of her because "he doesn't see the problem". He doesn't care that she's killing animals. "That's the way of life" is his view. How can anyone be so heartless? Why bother having pets if you don't care that they're attacked or sick or killed? Both of my babies didn't do ANYTHING to that beast. She just went after them. I don't know what was worse; Watching Neville die and knowing there was nothing I could do to help him or coming in and finding Malfoy lying dead in the back, after an obvious scuffle in the trailer. There was blood all over the corner of my bed, the pillow top was torn apart, the corner of the mattress was shred to where I can see the springs...blood and slobber on one of Grandma's teddy bears... blood on the unused pillow, blood on my Soft Kitty Kelly got me for Christmas a year ago. Malfoy TRIED to get away and he was unsuccessful. And I had no idea any of this was happening. The damn dog got out of the pen and must have nosed in the trailer, where Malfoy was lying on my bed, Malfoy hissed and the dog went after him.

I feel terrible. I couldn't protect my kitty from that beast. Malfoy had been attacked twice previously by this same dog. The first time I had to take him to the vet because he had gaping hole in his tummy and I was horrified. He had to be operated on and had a drain in his tummy for a week. The second time he was just shaken up. And the third was fatal... He was such a tough kitty and a total sweetheart. He never purred very loudly. You'd have to have your ear right next to him but it was there. Malfoy slept behind my knees or on my legs. ALWAYS. I missed that last night, even when Bones and Flitwick curled up beside me. Yes, I'm aware I sound like a crazy cat lady right about now but I don't care. These kitties ARE the equivalent to having children.

And now I give you a few photos of my Neville and Malfoy kitties:

       

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." -Anatole France
 Rest in Peace, my babies. Know that I will love you always <3

In happier news, my niece, Abigail Grace Philippi, made her way into the world on January 7th, 2013 at 3:03am. She weighed 6lbs, 14 0z, 18 1/2 inches long. She is absolutely gorgeous, with her mommy's nose and her daddy's chin. My first niece and I'm already hooked.

So sad that so much happiness can be followed by so much sadness. I guess that's just Life.

-Me

There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back...

To be humble to superiors is duty, to equals courtesy, to inferiors nobleness.- Benjamin Franklin

Re-reading my latest post, I realize I came off sounding extremely bitter and very "Bah, humbug"-like. That was not my intention at all. I was trying to just point out the ridiculousness that the holiday has become. Well, this post is much lighter... I promise.

On the 22nd, I volunteered to do face painting for my parents' Raiders club for their Little Warriors Christmas party. It's for kids who are battling or have battled cancer. Some of the kids wore surgical masks because they couldn't be exposed to the environment. I thought this would be difficult to do, especially if I did it on kids who had lost their hair to cancer.Well, the very first in my chair was a 5 year old girl named Leileen. There she was, no hair on her head but the biggest smile on her face. She wanted to be a purple kitty. I painted her face and sent her on her way, thinking that all my stupid little worries were nothing compared to what this little girl has gone through and if she can manage to live her life as normally as possible, I can suck up my piddly-ass problems and get on with my life. Leileen came up 2 more times, first to have a butterfly painted on her left hand and then Hello Kitty painted on her right. She was running around and playing and having the best time. At least 30 kids came through my chair that day, but she left an impression on me.

Modesty is the lowest of the virtues, and is a confession of the deficiency it indicates. He who undervalues himself is justly overvalued by others. -William Hazlitt

On Christmas Eve, I got a facebook message from my ex boyfriend, Casey. Just a simple Merry Christmas and how are you? I responded then he asked if I wanted to catch up or get a drink or something. Of course I wanted to. I love catching up with friends I haven't seen in a while. In this case, I hadn't seen him in 6 years. He just stopped talking to me and kind of disappeared. Of course, I thought it was something I had done- it usually is. Anyway, on Wednesday I drove to BJ's in menifee and met him for dinner. I recognized the back of his head immediately. Same floppy hair. I thought it might be weird or awkward or long silences. It wasn't at all. We talked for 3 hours, the way we used to on AIM every night before we even started dating. I mean, talking to someone for 3 hours isn't really a big deal...I do it all the time. But this was a big deal. It didn't feel like we hadn't talked in 6 years. He apologized for that. For just up and ending our friendship. I wasn't terribly surprised because all my ex boyfriends eventually do, but I was hurt because he gave me absolutely no explanation. It was nice to find out that it had nothing to do with me after all. He also told me that he felt self-conscious about the height difference the whole time we were dating (He's 5'4, I'm 5'8) but that was due to his own insecurities. It didn't phase me at all, and I'm the girl, but that kind of thing has never bothered me. He then proceeded to pay for my dinner, though he drove an hour out of his way to see me. That just means I'll have to buy next time...if there is a next time. Hope so, anyway. It was a wonderful night.


Last week, I started watching my friend's little boys. Kyle is 5 and Kaden is 3. Cutest kids. They LOVE coming over. It isn't because of me; it's because of all the toys and my giant yard that they can play in. They're really good boys, easy to watch and easy to entertain. The little one likes to get into the fridge and cupboards and get things out but I have avoided this by basically putting all the snack stuff up. Their mom told me all they could talk about the night after our first day was "going to Lauren's house tomorrow". Kyle even hugged me and thanked me for letting them come over. It was so sweet! Having them over pretty much all day has forced me to be more active. I have to keep tabs on them at all times and then go outside and run around. The other day, Kyle told me I was a zombie and he had to shoot me. I fell in the mud "dead" more times than I care to admit. Definitely don't want kids but it's good to not just sit around all day.

Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are. ~Malcolm S. Forbes

I've been given a lot to think about in the last week. What I want out of life, where I'm going, who I want in my life... I'm making some big changes. There are some people who don't deserve my time and energy anymore and frankly, I'm tired of trying. Then there are the pathological liars in my life who have worn out their welcome. It's my life and I need to do what's best for me. I have a drama-free policy and I intend to keep it that way. Don't bring your drama into my life and expect me to just accept it. Don't care if that's harsh; that's how it's gonna be...

Gotta be me.
-Me