When dame fortune tosses me a curve, I never give away to despair...

Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt. -William Shakespeare, Measure for Measure (Act I, Scene IV)

I realize it has been exactly 3 weeks since my last post. I guess I haven't felt much like blogging. It seems silly, but I'm really depressed about my cat dying. And the worst part of all is that dog is still here. She's supposed to be chained up but there she sits in the pen, unleashed. I mentioned something to Dad and he just shrugged it off. He doesn't give a damn if that dog gets out and goes after another one of my cats and that infuriates me. He's the one who made a huge deal about "cats being cats" and constantly bitched that I needed to let them outside. I let them out and what happens? They get killed by your dog.

I can't live here anymore. Of course, I don't have any other options but it pains me to have my kitties subjected to that dog. Flitwick climbed a tree to get away and I'm not worried about him so much, but Bones has been attacked twice by that dog. I'm afraid he'll meet the same fate as my other two. I don't want to be cruel and keep them couped up inside all day after they know what outdoors is like but with that dog off the chain I worry she will bust out of that pen again...

Everyone can master a grief but he that has it. - William Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing (Act III, Scene II)

Mary Stuart is coming along. It should be further along characterization-wise, but it's shaping up. I think we have yet to have a rehearsal where every cast member is present. I'm super stressed about this. One, dealing with some who obviously aren't putting the work into the show outside of rehearsal. Two, I'm sharing my car with Mom so she can get to and from work. Therefore, most nights (and we have rehearsal pretty much EVERY NIGHT of the week) I'm late to rehearsal. Granted, we don't start till 6pm when we have a 5:30pm call, but I should be there before everyone. Three, dealing with a director who is far too lenient on the cast. I have no problem being the bitch because that's sort of my job as stage manager, but I can't enforce anything if it isn't backed up by the director. We also have cast members who like to play director and have their "opinions" on what their character would do. I'm so completely sick and tired with that BS. Just shut the hell up and do what we tell you.

Rehearsals have become so tedious for me. I'm over watching it night after night. Zack told me when I complimented him on how awesome his scene was the other night that he knew that was a big deal because he knows I hate the show. He also thanked me for being there and said things would not get done if I wasn't stage manager. I really appreciated hearing that. I've felt like I'm not needed and basically like I was wasting my time on people who think they can run this show without me. It wasn't necessary for him to say but it was nice. Honestly, if it weren't for Zack, Michael, Donald and now Aaron being in this show, I would have snapped already. They're pretty great friends.

Show aside, I have not been in a very happy place lately. I'm still down about not getting that touring job (let's face it; I would have heard something by now) and I'm not getting much makeup work. Granted, I did do face painting for that birthday party last weekend and that was a big success, even may have gained a few other parties out of it. I had a friend from La Sierra University contact me about doing makeup for his film this Sunday and next. In fact, 2 friends from LSU have contacted me about makeup for their films. So there's a silver lining in all of this. Of course, I'm doing makeup for Mary Stuart but that was practically a given. I just feel like I should be doing more than what I am. I'm going no where fast and it's extremely disheartening. 5 years ago, I never imagined I would be stuck where I am now. I'll be 27 in a few months and I am a big fat nobody. All because I decided I was an artist and that's the direction my heart led me in.

We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.- Mark Twain

I'm trying to be happy. Trying to overcome these feelings of uselessness. Having a little trouble, that's all.

 

-Me

 

...While befriending fate's alluring way of putting us to shame.

Do you ever agree to do something, something that you normally enjoy doing, and almost immediately regret it? That's how I'm feeling right now about stage managing Mary Stuart. Of course, I love doing it and being around my friends. However, part of me just doesn't want to be there. Sitting there watching others act makes me sad. I haven't acted in such a long time. I miss it, especially when I know I can play the main role 100 times better than she can... and I feel like I'm just not needed there. Sure, I know some of the cast is happy I'm there but then there are the others who think they can manage without me. And it isn't because I don't like it; it's because I should be off doing makeup and doing what I do best. No, the couple hours a few nights a week don't interfere...I'm just unhappy.

Unhappy because I feel stuck. I haven't had any makeup work in awhile and it's depressing. Though I'm trying to remain optimistic about this touring makeup job, I'm becoming more and more discouraged each day that passes with no word. Damn it, I was POSITIVE I had this job. I'm absolutely the perfect fit for it. I built it up to where I believed I had already been hired. That's what I get for NOT being pessimistic...

Yesterday, I lost my Malfoy kitty to our pit bull. Yes, the same pit bull that killed Neville. My dad just refuses to get rid of her because "he doesn't see the problem". He doesn't care that she's killing animals. "That's the way of life" is his view. How can anyone be so heartless? Why bother having pets if you don't care that they're attacked or sick or killed? Both of my babies didn't do ANYTHING to that beast. She just went after them. I don't know what was worse; Watching Neville die and knowing there was nothing I could do to help him or coming in and finding Malfoy lying dead in the back, after an obvious scuffle in the trailer. There was blood all over the corner of my bed, the pillow top was torn apart, the corner of the mattress was shred to where I can see the springs...blood and slobber on one of Grandma's teddy bears... blood on the unused pillow, blood on my Soft Kitty Kelly got me for Christmas a year ago. Malfoy TRIED to get away and he was unsuccessful. And I had no idea any of this was happening. The damn dog got out of the pen and must have nosed in the trailer, where Malfoy was lying on my bed, Malfoy hissed and the dog went after him.

I feel terrible. I couldn't protect my kitty from that beast. Malfoy had been attacked twice previously by this same dog. The first time I had to take him to the vet because he had gaping hole in his tummy and I was horrified. He had to be operated on and had a drain in his tummy for a week. The second time he was just shaken up. And the third was fatal... He was such a tough kitty and a total sweetheart. He never purred very loudly. You'd have to have your ear right next to him but it was there. Malfoy slept behind my knees or on my legs. ALWAYS. I missed that last night, even when Bones and Flitwick curled up beside me. Yes, I'm aware I sound like a crazy cat lady right about now but I don't care. These kitties ARE the equivalent to having children.

And now I give you a few photos of my Neville and Malfoy kitties:

       

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." -Anatole France
 Rest in Peace, my babies. Know that I will love you always <3

In happier news, my niece, Abigail Grace Philippi, made her way into the world on January 7th, 2013 at 3:03am. She weighed 6lbs, 14 0z, 18 1/2 inches long. She is absolutely gorgeous, with her mommy's nose and her daddy's chin. My first niece and I'm already hooked.

So sad that so much happiness can be followed by so much sadness. I guess that's just Life.

-Me