Time be my friend, let me start again.

I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for a while.- Ellen Page, Juno

That statement rings so true at the moment. I arrived home last night from Idyllwild and just felt this wave of serenity wash over me. It's not always the best or most exciting place to be, but it's home. I can be myself here, watch what I like, eat and drink what I like and, best of all, my kitties love me no matter what I do or look like.

I spent the weekend with my lovely friend Diane and her husband, Nick. Diane is just a doll and I adore her. It was very easy to spend a couple days with her. Her husband, on the other hand, was over-bearing, arrogant and downright unpleasant. He questioned me about my makeup artistry ("But is that what you want to do? As a career?"), he inquired about my family and was very judgemental about my 23 year old sister having a 4 year old, and basically called me fat. "You're very pretty, you could be a model with your stunning features but with that bad fat from the high fructose corn syrup hanging on to you..." This is not the exact conversation but that about sums it up. Mind you, we had this over lunch. As I was eating. Imagine how I feel. The guy had an opinion about everything. He assumed that because of my age I knew nothing about classical music (he's a musician) and that, because I didn't have a piano in my house growing up, that I wasn't as intelligent.

That's definitely not all I have to say on the man, but I'll leave it at that. At our cast party saturday night, I was asked by a castmate what I thought of him. The general opinion is the same as mine. My friend Danny, god bless him, got all chivalrous and as he was leaving, told Nick that he "should know better than call that girl fat" then walked out. Luckily, he didn't put two and two together and figured out it was me he was talking about. That would have been a grueling ordeal, considering I was staying at his house. So anyway, I opted to not stay another night and drive home after the show sunday. I couldn't do another night/morning of vegan food and lectures.

Since it came up, I don't know how my Vegan friends do it. The food is so bland and unsatisfying. Plus, it smells horrible. I swear the salsa I had yesterday tasted like Pinesol. I was hungry all weekend. Today has been spent stuffing my face with cheesy bread and pizza leftover from last night. I guess it takes a lot of discipline and willpower...both of which I don't possess. More power to you, Vegans.

My current dilemna (if you can really call it that) is dealing with being blown off. I'm not used to being blown off. Hell, I'm not even sure if I'm being blown off. All I know is I sent two texts (because I'm a pansy and won't just call) and there has been no response. Already feeling stupid, I sent a third a bit ago...stating how stupid I must be for even texting again after no response but is everything okay? Nothing.

Now, I don't know why our plan didn't work out and I don't care about that. It's not like it was a date or anything. I just want to know he's okay. Maybe your phone is dead. Fine. But you could send a message through facebook. I wish it didn't bother me so much. I wish I could just say screw it, but I can't. He's my friend. I want a response. Even a "Fuck off and leave me alone". Hey, at least I got the message. Ugh. I'm such a girl.


I went back to Starbucks to give the cute guy my number, but he wasn't working. Since I'm not much of a Starbucks drinker as it is and the location isn't exactly in "drive-by" distance, I guess it's not gonna happen. He didn't have a nametag on (or at least a visable one) so I couldn't just leave my card with someone to give to him. "Can you give this to the cute guy with the reddish-colored pompadour?" Sounds so sophisticated. All I know about the guy is he, in his own words, is "a boring 20 year old who just uses his phone to check the stock market". Super. I can't even facebook stalk him. Oh, well. It was nice to know that based on my looks alone, I got a free drink and a short but sweet (even if shy), flirty conversation. Sometimes a girl likes to know she's attractive. Sure, I know guys who think I'm attractive but it's nice coming from a cute stranger.

Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.- J.K. Simmons, Juno

Juno. I love that movie. It's so funny, wonderfully weird and heartfelt. Hence why both quotes are from it. Ellen Page is amazing. That's why she's my choice to play me in a movie based on my life. And J.K. Simmons in that movie as her father. That line is one of my favorite lines in cinematic history. Maybe it isn't profound or inspirational, but it speaks to the heart.

...Well, mine anyway. I've always been a little weird

-Me

I'll be fine. It's not the first. Just like last time, but a little worse.

So. I have chosen to start blogging again. This should be interesting.

Personally, I quite like the title I have chosen for my blog. It makes me giggle to myself. The title is a play on a quote from a movie I enjoy immensely and it just seemed fitting.

I don't even know why I want to blog. Nobody cares about my piddly-ass problems. And they really are piddly-ass. There's nothing seriously wrong or of major concern. So I'm lonely. Boo-frickity-hoo. There are worse things in the world. I'll be fine. I've never needed a lot of people in my life and don't feel the need to change that now. Besides, the only people I want to spend any time with are or have become notoriously busy. Life gets in the way. I totally understand. I was one of those people once.

Kelly and I ended our year long relationship. On an extremely good note, I might add. We agreed it wasn't going anywhere and I was unhappy which, according to a friend, was obvious to anyone who had a conversation with me in the last two months. That actually made me laugh. I believe the same friend had told me over lunch one day that every time I mentioned Kelly I sounded bitter. Huh. I don't pay attention to most of what comes out of my mouth, but I didn't mean to come off that way. Kelly is a great guy and an even better friend. That's why everyone adores him. I just wanted more out of our relationship and I don't mean "physically". This was a humorous topic to friends/family that I don't find humorous at all. Am I so shallow and arrogant that I would break up with someone so wonderful just to get some? I'd like to think not. The problem and eventual downfall of our relationship was the lack of intimacy, which is an entirely different thing.

We will remain friends and that's the best I could ask for. The texts have diminished, as expected, and soon I'm sure the facebook shares will follow suit. And I will be sad. That's what happens when a relationship ends. No worries. I'll be fine.

The topic of discussion now is do I want to start dating again right away. Yes and no. Yes, because I like boys entirely too much to stay away for long but also no, because I like being single. I haven't been single for longer than a month or two in the past five years...and that doesn't count the boys I may or may not have made out with in those couple months. Don't judge me. Kissing can be innocent enough and I'm not ashamed.

Though there are guys I'd love to ask on a date, I'm refraining. I always initiate these things and frankly, I'm tired of it. Let someone ask me out for a change. I'm a lady, damn it. I want to be pursued. I'm tired of putting myself out there. But I also don't like to beat around the bush. You never know how someone feels till you ask. Believe me, I know. I've risked friendships on more than one occasion. For now, I remain single and, despite the depressing and blantantly obvious absence of desire, I'll be fine.

I'll be fine.
-Me