...Then I find myself choking on all my contradictions...

We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.- Orson Welles As mentioned in my previous post, I had more I wanted to write. Now is as good a time as any. Feeling pretty emotional this week, which isn't really any different than any other week but I feel compelled to express those feelings this time. I hate being ignored. Sure, everyone does. However, this happens to me ALL. THE. TIME. I don't ask for constant attention because I don't need it. But sometimes a little attention is called for. It seems when I talk, people just don't listen. And I'm not the only one who notices. I'll start to say something and someone will just talk over me or not acknowledge I said anything. My mother is hugely guilty of this. "I heard what you said. I'm not ignoring you." Well then, ACKNOWLEDGE me. Don't just blow me off. It hurts my feelings. If you don't give a shit, then just say so. Yeah, I'll get mad but at least the pretense isn't there. And it isn't just Mom who does this. It's my friends, other family members, people I work with and even my boyfriend. Sorry, sweetie, but sometimes it's the truth. That's why I blog. I let out my frustration here and there's no hurt feelings of being ignored. It's open to anyone and everyone and whoever feels compelled to read will know what's going on in The Wonderful World of Me. I'm not talking directly to one person, so I won't be upset if no one sees this. To have one's individuality completely ignored is like being pushed quite out of life--like being blown out as one blows out a light.- Evelyn Scott Mom is angry with me because I have a performance of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof on her birthday. This is because she claims she asked me to be her Designated Driver that night. Yes, she mentioned it. However, you expect me to just not do the show because you need someone to drive you home? Is it that difficult to ask someone else to not drink so they can drive? It pisses me off because she would rather have me quit the show and spend that evening waiting to drive, bored out of my mind, while the rest of them drink themselves stupid. Then she made the comment that I could miss a performance because "other people do it", referring to the fact that one of our actors has a wedding to attend and is being understudied that day. Yes, it's easy to do that when you have other male actors and your director is male and can very easily fulfill one of the male roles. There isn't another female to understudy me for that night. She's also mad because my cousin's wedding is the 18th and I "have to go". That was her response when I told her I had a good chance of being cast...that I couldn't miss the wedding. Are you effing kidding me? "Sorry, Frank, but I can't do your show because I have to attend a wedding that no one actually cares if I go to or not." Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe I should just resign from the show and succumb to my family's priorities. Apparently, I only ever think about myself anyway. I'm sorry that I agree to do shows that want to hire me to stage manage or do makeup. I'm sorry I want to continue making money and networking to get my name out there. I'm sorry I'm just so damn good at both that people want to continue to request me for my services. No, I'm not getting paid for 'Cat'. I actually get to just be an actor and enjoy nothing but the opportunity to do so. So yes, I'm doing this for me. I have always been aware that you have to get people listening before you can change their minds. Any artist's big fear is being ignored, so if you get debate, that's great. -Damien Hirst My grandparents came to visit on Friday. We found out the beginning of last week (March 31st to be exact) from a post my grandma made on facebook: Happy Easter to all facebook friends & Family . We will be leaving for California April 2. We want to see our great grand babies. Love Lois & Calvin. Way to give a heads up, Guys. We had no idea they were coming. They'd be here by Thursday, Friday at the latest. Unfortunately, I had already agreed to reprise the makeup for that dance I did the week before and I had to meet Heather at noon Saturday to be ready for a 2pm performance in Yucaipa. Again, Mom was annoyed when I told her I didn't know when I'd be home. "Well, your grandparents might want to do something". It was a freaking job! I was getting paid! What part of that is hard to grasp? Had I known my grandparents were coming down, I wouldn't have agreed to it. But I couldn't just flake out, which makes her even madder because "other people do it all the time". She and my sister think that if it wasn't something for my friends, I'd just flake out. That's definitely not good for business and not good for my character. Anyway, I arrived home around 4:30pm and we had a BBQ and I just got to visit some more. They had come over Friday afternoon and stayed till sunset, so I got to spend pretty much all day with them. It was wonderful because I hadn't seen them in 2 years since they live in Arkansas. When they went to leave Saturday, Grandma told me if I wanted to come visit they'd send me money to go out there. I told her I couldn't take anymore money from them, as they had paid the remaining $6235 so I could attend EI. She said it was nothing because I had graduated and I was actually doing makeup work. Then she told me that they sure were proud of me. Honestly, it made me cry. It's just so nice to hear. As worthless and unsuccessful as I feel, it's great to know my family is proud of me. Makes the fact that I'm not doing much of anything a lot less depressing, that's for sure. I'd love to go visit them and definitely want to take them up on their offer, but I don't know when I'll get the chance. This month I'm in rehearsals for 'Cat' and designing makeup for 12 Angry Jurors at La Sierra University, plus running a workshop to show everyone how to do their own makeup since they go up when my show does. In May, I'm in performances for 'Cat', which runs the last 3 weekends of May, and I'll have began rehearsals for Henry IV (I'm assistant directing/stage managing/makeup artist for this show. Yes, I'm that good.). June will be rehearsals for Henry IV and July are performances. Of course, I don't know my rehearsal schedule for Henry yet so perhaps I can still make a trip to Arkansas for a couple weeks in June. I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. -Maya Angelou And just like that, I'm busy. Another summer with Shakespeare in the Vines, hanging out with friends as well as making money. Plus, another show to add to the growing list of makeup on my resume. Busy, but I like it that way. -Me

Somewhere far away from here, I saw stars. Stars that I could reach...

To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.
- Anatole France

It's already April. What? Where did the last 3 months go? I haven't been busy and that's what usually makes the time fly by. I've been sitting around this house (usually in front of the computer) doing nothing, and I mean nothing.

I've been constantly looking for work, but most of the makeup jobs posted are in LA, usually more than one day and pay nothing. I can't be commuting back and forth to LA multiple days and not get paid. That may sound petty or like I'm too good to do that but I can't afford the gas. I'd love to do the work and network and add it to the growing list of credits I have under my belt but I don't have the funds. Last week, I sent my resume to a dinner theatre in Fontana. Not necessarily as a makeup artist but as tech or production assistant. I definitely have the experience and training and let's face it, working in a theatre is a dream for me. Everything about it appeals to me and I've done every aspect of theatre you can imagine. Besides, Fontana is significantly closer than LA.

Shane contacted me the week before last and asked me if I was available and willing to do body painting on Heather for a performance at La Sierra University Church for their Easter services this past Saturday. Of course I was willing and I happened to be available. I enjoy working with Shane very much and I just really like the people at LSU. To top it off, I was getting paid and really, that was just a bonus for me. It was a huge success with everyone. People actually thought she was tattooed. I've been hired to return this Saturday to reprise the makeup for another performance and Heather has passed my info along to a photographer she works with in Rancho Cucamonga because they always need a makeup artist. Aaron came with me so that he could take my car over to my dad's shop to get the motor mount fixed while I touched up Heather's makeup between services, but he proved to be a valuable assistant and he got to watch me work. Ended up being a waste for him to go because I wasn't able to get my motor mount fixed...again....but I was happy to have him there, anyway.

Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish. A little knowledge that acts is worth infinitely more than much knowledge that is idle.
- John Quincy Adams

Friday I met up with Karla to carpool to Hollywood for a seminar at EI. I hadn't seen her since we graduated in July and it was good to catch up. She told me that she recently hung out with some girls from our class and they mentioned how my work "has gotten better" since school ended. I'm not sure if that means they thought it was bad in school or just that it's continuing to improve. Karla explained that I'm the only one who is continuing to learn since graduation and it shows. From what she told me, I'm the only one from our class (that she still keeps up with) whose even doing makeup work. Well, yeah... why would I spend all that money on makeup school if I'm not going to actually work in makeup? Seems like a waste to me...though it made me feel good to know that the time and effort I put into my work pays off, both financially and artistically.

A big shot is a little shot that kept shooting.
-Anonymous

 

The seminar was with a pro makeup artist who had been in the business for 24 years. She talked about her career (both ups and downs), gave advice to getting our name out there and assured us that it's perfectly normal to feel like you aren't going anywhere after graduation. She said it took her 10 years before she hit it big. Sure, she had worked but nothing majorly significant. It made me feel much better about myself to know that I'm exactly where I should be and I'm doing all the right things. Networking, collaborating and talking to everyone I meet. There isn't anything wrong with where I'm at right now. I do still feel stuck but that's just me... I feel useless and pathetic.

To reach a port we must sail, sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it. But we must not drift or lie at anchor.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

There's more to write about but I feel like this is a good end to this post. Maybe I'll *gasp* post twice in one week...

Maybe not.
-Me